Hinge just came out with a hotness ranking of the big five tech companies

Look at those fuggy fuggos. Go crawl back into your cave, fuggos. 


EJ Dickson


Published Jul 15, 2014   Updated May 30, 2021, 11:09 pm CDT

Looking for a dating app that’s almost exactly like Tinder, but is also unnaturally obsessed with the bangability of various Silicon Valley startups? Look no further than Hinge, the swipe-based Tinder knockoff that just came out with yet another ranking of tech employees’ pulchritude.

In its latest survey, Hinge pit the big five tech companies—Google, Amazon, Apple, Facebook, and Microsoft—against each other, ranking each by overall employee attractiveness. The results are in, and if they’re to be trusted, Amazon employees are lithe, hard-bodied, statuesque models, while Apple employees are fuggo, snaggle-toothed, hairy-backed troglodytes. Good to know, thanks Hinge!

So how, exactly, did Hinge determine the attractiveness of each company’s employees? By measuring how often users swiped right on them. Apple employees came out last with a -.2 swipe rate, while Amazon employees received a 14.2 swipe rate. (Hinge also classified the companies by Game of Thrones houses, for some reason, grouping Apple into the “least attractive” Night’s Watch and Amazon into the “most attractive” House Stark. Which is ridiculous, because everyone knows that Tywin Lannister is way hotter than Neddard Stark, who looks like a crunchier version of my sixth grade history teacher, but I digress.)

In crunching the numbers, Hinge also determined how “picky” the employees themselves were, or how often they swiped right on another user. Facebook employees came out first on this measure, and were the most picky of all the tech giants; ironically, given their already-established knee-quaking bangability, Amazon was ranked least picky. (Geez, raise your standards, guys! You are hot and sexy Great Whites; you don’t have to waste your time swimming with the fuggo minnows over at Apple. I mean, sheesh.)

Of course, given the obvious stupidity of this study, and that attractiveness is by definition a subjective measure, these results are almost completely meaningless. But if you’re the kind of person who chooses employment opportunities based on whether or not you want to bone your coworkers, you can check out the list and the infographic here.

H/T News.com.au | Photo via HBO | Remix by Max Fleishman


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*First Published: Jul 15, 2014, 1:24 pm CDT