Here at the Daily Dot—and around the web, really—it's common to refer to "Twitter" as a unified whole. Twitter is freaking out over something. Twitter is roasting someone. Twitter is confused, overjoyed, outraged.
But this ignores and even obscures the simple fact that Twitter has long been fractured into myriad cliques and cabals. There are almost as many kinds of Twitter as there are Twitter users, and truth be told, some are much, much better than others. Since the internet's primary utility is as a listicle tool, why not use it to power-rank (most of) them once and for all?
So here goes.
31) Gamergate/MRA/Nice Guy TwitterIn a world of myopic self-involvement, there is no deeper, darker, more hateful hole than the one in which militant gamer dudes, men's rights activists, and alleged "nice guys" wallow, enumerating the many ways in which they are persecuted. If they were half as harassed and abused as they think they are, they might not send so many vile death threats themselves.
30) Gun TwitterJesus Christ.
29) Tech Twitter
With Twitter being a West-Coast social media platform, you're obviously going to get some Silicon Valley goons saying stuff. It's... not good. An important branch of this subgenre, of course, is Twitter Twitter, where Twitter's own employees say not-good things. It's Twitter all the way down.
28) Troll TwitterIf you've ever dealt with someone who a) tweets about 14 times a minute, seemingly without breaks, and b) just wants to "play devil's advocate" or have a "reasoned debate," you've encountered Troll Twitter. In harassment mode, they are not unlike the Gamergate crew, but since they lack any real agenda, they're not quite as irritating. Try to pretend they're not there.
27) Politics TwitterImagine if all the most annoying kids from your high school newspaper grew up to be—wait for it—paid for their opinions by dying publications.
26) Media TwitterMedia Twitter, insofar as it provides glib takes on other kinds of Twitter, is mostly parasitic. Occasionally, someone comes up with a funny riff or observation that's quickly beaten into the ground while a few above-it-all members bemoan the sheer number of dorks making the same exact joke. Between the corniness and the crankiness, somehow the inclination toward meta tweets is its worst aspect. Neuroticism as social media brand.
25) Health TwitterFrom juicing to running to diet to CrossFit, there's virtually no way to make anyone care about your fitness unless you take great butt selfies at the gym.
24) Eulogy TwitterMourning is a complicated, painful process that is greatly worsened by everyone having a shitty opinion on the right way to do it. Add to that the sheer number of people who manage to make someone's death all about them and you've got a uniquely toxic stew of recriminations.
23) Religious TwitterGod, stop yelling!
22) Egg TwitterIn a weird way, you gotta respect anyone proactive enough to create a Twitter account for the purpose of yelling at strangers, yet too lazy to upload an actual avatar. Eggs are like if Twitter was a 1995-era AOL chatroom or something. They may be racist, misinformed neophytes, but in their profound lack of self-awareness, they provide unlimited comedy.
21) Breaking News TwitterTwitter is invaluable for staying on top of breaking news stories, especially if you like your information wildly, dangerously, and deliberately inaccurate. Until a reporter or media organization confirms it, you should take any tweet about an unfolding disaster with a boulder-sized grain of salt.
20) TV TwitterEver log on and see that literally every tweet is about some HBO prestige show you stopped watching like four seasons ago? And even though you have no idea what's happening onscreen, you're pained by how hard everyone is trying to land their Mystery Science Theater 3000-style witticisms and pretend they're all hanging out watching together instead of in bed alone with their laptop and a box of Cheez-Its?
19) Optimist TwitterThe only person who can really pull this off is Lil B. Everyone else in this camp sounds like John Tesh. (Yes, closely affiliated with Health Twitter.)
18) Depressed TwitterOnly slightly less annoying than the optimists are people who use Twitter to talk about how sad they are. Spoiler: It's everyone.
17) Thirst Twitter
Historical precedent holds that humankind will instantly figure out how to use any technological development to attain sexual release. And while the Twitter equivalent of the dive bar pickup scene can be embarrassing or inappropriate in the extreme—save the real filth for your DMs, please—there's no denying the pleasure of a solid flirt (or outrageously horny reply to a verified account). Everybody wants some, and here's the evidence.
16) Music TwitterIt turns out that Music Takes™ are much easier to digest in 140-character nuggets than bloated issues of Rolling Stone. Sure, 40 percent of Music Twitter these last four years was moaning about Frank Ocean, but where else can we get together and shriek about Carly's Emotion Side B?
15) Parenthood TwitterWhether its corny dad jokes or a mom who doesn't realize she's been subtweeting her kid for years, we can all agree that parents on Twitter are good, clean fun. The best parts of procreation, none of the mess or expense.
14) FavStar TwitterAccording to Felix Biederman, this is where "lustful men craft elaborate, character limit-stretching jokes with blocking such as, '*I am on Venus for this Tweet*' or '*On a first date with my stepmother*' These are typically followed by delightful wordplay, something about dogs skateboarding, or a cop smoking weed." Also the best place to discuss plagiarism in comedy.
13) Brand/Promoted TwitterYou might think I'm crazy to rank Twitter's advertising wavelength this highly, and it's true that brands are often boring or tone-deaf when trying to create relatable #content. But the opportunity to directly engage with these companies (as when furries harass Frosted Flakes' Tony the Tiger, who is not as receptive as Cheetos' Chester Cheetah) and witness amazing fuck-ups (remember when Virgin Airlines told Kanye West to eat a dick?) mean that we'll never tire of idiotic attempts to market on social media.
12) Weather Twitter
There are few things nicer than realizing that the weather is terrible somewhere you aren't, and while people may not attempt this kind of small talk on Facebook, you can bet anyone caught in a downpour—or spending summer in Brooklyn without an air conditioner—is gonna tweet about it. Also, you get to see images from all those floods and fires and storms that make you think: "Oh, right, the planet is dying. Awesome."
11) Sports TwitterSports Twitter is an unpredictable shitshow that seems to light up whenever we most need a distraction. On the one hand, there's no shortage of borderline illiterate pro athletes with strange, unpopular opinions—on the other, there's a glut of apoplectic, entitled fans with equally bad ideas. Caught in between are a few smart commentators trying to convey any nuance whatsoever, as well as TV viewers reacting in real time by way of keyboard mashes and caps-lock vowel streams. If you're not watching the same game, you have no idea what's going on. And that's kind of awesome.