How to write Kim Kardashian the perfect email

Yo Marissa, 

Bottom line: You need to know about an upcoming project I’ve been working on. I’ve been researching this for years; I really think you’re going to want to know about it. Hit the link for more info; I’ve also attached some photos. 

Can we chat more about it this wk; maybe Fri? 

Hope to talk soon,

Molly 

And that, friends, is how you email Marissa Mayer—at least, that’s how you do it according to Crystal

Crystal

Crystal is a new work-centric app that culls the depths of the Internet to help you best communicate with your coworkers, and with anyone else, for that matter. The application works primarily off LinkedIn information, but then also looks beyond to carefully craft a profile that offers specifics on a person’s workplace and communication strengths and weaknesses. 

Crystal

Crystal seems best used for improving inter-office relationships. It helps you know how people like to be talked to. Work can be more efficient and enjoyable thanks to this information. But, of course, there are other uses… like figuring out how you should talk to some of the most successful people in the world.

All you have to do is search Crystal for the recipient of your perfect email, and find the corresponding profile. Surprisingly, the data sets that came back for these examples were reportedly very accurate and contained a lot of data Crystal was able to find and verify. 

Once you have the information, the rest is up to you. You can pony up for a paid account and Crystal will help you write the emails and offer examples, or you can do it yourself. (We took the latter route.)

Richard Branson, for instance, sounds like he requires some finessing. An email to the Virgin CEO should sound like: 

Hey Rich! 

I really need you to hear me out: Bottom line, I can cure sadness. Have you ever just felt so depressed you couldn’t take it anymore? I have not, but in the future, who even knows what we’ll be feeling!? 

Hopefully it’s more : ) and less : (. 

Call me to hear more; we can chat over tapas.

Ciao,

Molly 

Crystal

And then there’s Square CEO Jack Dorsey, who also likes emoticons, but flip-flops a bit by wanting detailed information and instructions as well as for things to be kept brief. Don’t expect a long reply. 

Crystal

How about Sean Parker?

Crystal

Sean, 

I am emailing you because I want to talk to you. You will want to talk about it. Call me. 

Molly 

Perfect. 

Next: 

Crystal

Evan, 

I know this is going to be sudden, so let me know if you need a moment to feel it out: I am angry. But I know you are probably feeling some sort of feelings because of this, and that’s OK. I know I beat you in the foot race, but you were the real and true winner. Everyone knows it. So don’t worry about it!

Molly 

Crystal

Sheryl Sandberg has a lot of communication needs. 

Crystal

Sheryl, 

I need only one thing from you: To borrow a card table for a party this weekend. Please answer by tomorrow. 

Molly

But why stop there? Crystal was able to find President Obama.

Crystal

Hi President Obama, 

My name is Molly. Now that that’s out of the way, I just want you to know how wonderful and amazing I feel right now! Also, you are really doing a good job!   : ) 

It’s OK if it takes you a little while to reply to this.

Molly

Nailed it. 

Crystal also has a few celebrities in its database (what’s more surprising is that celebrities have LinkedIn profiles, but alas). 

Crystal

Hey Taylor, 

My name is Molly and I really desperately hope you email me back. I seriously will be all : ( if you don’t. This will be me: (????). Will you email me back? Do you have it in your heart?

?(?0?)?, 

Molly 

Much of the same applies to Kim Kardashian, so go ahead and sub her name in here and lather, rinse, repeat. 

Crystal

And now you’re unstoppable! Knowledge is power, so be careful out there. 

Photo via  CarbonNYC [in SF!]/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Molly McHugh

Molly McHugh

Molly McHugh is the tech editor of the Daily Dot, focusing on technology, social media, sports, and streaming entertainment. Her work has also appeared in Wired and the Ringer.