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The relationships subreddit, home to the terrible and utterly weird alike, has come through for us with another deeply surreal relationship problem: a man’s otherwise perfect girlfriend is so obsessed with eggs that it’s ruining their relationship. But not eggs in the fertility sense, which would be a fairly mundane problem, oh no. This woman is so obsessed with boiled eggs that it’s led Twitter users to theorize that she might actually be a snake in disguise.
My (27m) girlfriend's (26f) obsession with eggs is damaging our relationship pic.twitter.com/VNVU4iEeRB— relationships.txt (@redditships) August 26, 2019
Eating anywhere between four and fifteen eggs a day—which can’t be healthy—OP’s girlfriend also leaves bits of them everywhere. Carpets, furniture, the car, even the cat have all had bits of eggy detritus clinging to them on a regular basis. Recently, she put a half-eaten egg in his coat pocket, getting egg all over the laundry in the wash, and left one on the passenger seat in the car, leading to him sitting on it before a job interview and getting egg all over his pants. After confronting her about this, she accused him of being controlling and trying to dictate what she eats, but he doesn’t want her to stop eating the eggs—just clean up properly after herself. At this point, it sounds like a shitpost, something at least a couple of redditors agreed on.
However, OP has since deleted both the post and his account, suggesting that egg woman is all too real and the amount of attention the post was getting made him afraid she was going to find out that he’d posted about it on the internet. Sadly for him, the internet wasn’t especially helpful as, while a few people did try to give him actual advice, the problem was too absurd for most people to take it seriously.
People were horror-fascinated by her eggy lifestyle and wondering about its effects on her digestive system.
Two options.— Zoe Samuel (@zoe_samuel) August 26, 2019
1. Dump her.
2. Let cholesterol be your assassin.
Funny, that's almost the exact amount my old boss used to eat every day (he ate 16.) I've never seen a more healthy 68 year old. His cholesterol levels were fine. (Yes, we confronted him. And yes, he brought us the blood work as proof to finally stop us from nagging him.)— Marianne ❤🐕 (@LadyThal1a) August 26, 2019
So I just want to clarify the detail I'm confused on. Is she just eating like loads of soft boiled eggs all the time? Sucking down raw egg?— Baby Hands Jones (@babyhandzjones) August 26, 2019
As well as confused by the fact that she frequently doesn’t eat the whole egg and leaves bits of it laying around. As Twitter user @RoeVWadeBoggs says, “how godamned hard is it to finish an egg”.
i'm guessing when you've already had 14 1/2 eggs already that last half might be a bit hard to swallow; citation: i've seen cool hand luke once— vlad seghete (@vlsdo) August 26, 2019
Some theorized she’s actually trying to communicate with him in a very roundabout way.
I (26f) feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around my boyfriend (27m). I keep trying to hint at this, but he just doesn't get it— Yubiko (@RealYubiko) August 26, 2019
And OP took some criticism for not removing the damn egg before he put the jacket in the washing machine.
Also, when he washed the jacket, did he take the egg out?? Or did he just assume the washer would make it magically go away? These are important questions!!— Christi Green (@cmhodges86) August 26, 2019
Everyone's ragging on the Egg Lady but 27m straight-up says he put a coat in the wash with a half-egg still in it along with all his other clothes and is somehow surprised it got egg on all his other clothes. Dude. Have you never done your own laundry. My man. Eggs are small fry.— Ryan Vance (@ryanjjvance) August 26, 2019
ive never once checked my pockets for eggs under any circumstances— dethe (@BosniaPM) August 26, 2019
The “OP’s girlfriend is secretly a reptile” conspiracy theory gained some real legs, especially on Twitter where the story of egg woman has found its true home.
Girlfriend is a snake wearing a human suit— Pamela Z (@betterred) August 26, 2019
girlfriend pictured here pic.twitter.com/uTciLT51Kr— Jessi Sheron makes mermaid comics (@JessiSheron) August 26, 2019
👏thats👏not👏your👏gf👏that👏is 👏an👏anaconda 👏run👏— Vats @ mff (@Vats_The_Fool) August 26, 2019
With OP’s girlfriend is actually Gaston coming in second place.
Has the girlfriend expressed a desire to grow large? Perhaps equivalent to a barge in size?— Jim Avery (@TheSoundDefense) August 26, 2019
Live footage of the GF pic.twitter.com/NkMuWZxecv— Queer Rainbow Glitter Sheep (@Sheep_Purple) August 26, 2019
The puns won’t stop.
Can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs— Xtreme Bonsai Gardening (@sneakerpants) August 26, 2019
But can you blame her? Eggs are hard to beat.— Chachi Bobinks-Danvers (@ChachiBobinks) August 26, 2019
This one has me cracking up! Yolk's on him for getting so hard boiled over her eggscentric eating habits.— ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉ ᵇⁱʳᵈʰᵒᵘˢᵉ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ˢᵒᵘˡ (@exfatalist) August 26, 2019
And people think egg woman should hook up with the yogurt guy.
This girl seriously needs to hook up with Iranian yogurt collection guy.— The Wombat Resists (@UrsulaV) August 26, 2019
As somebody else suggested: they should probably hook up for a lovely oveo-lacto romance.— Anne Ardon (@AnneArdon) August 26, 2019
Wherever he is, we hope OP works things out with his snake wife.
his gf pic.twitter.com/4u6Aw351iY— Infamous Sphere (@LudicrousLouisa) August 27, 2019
Siobhan Ball is a historian, archivist, and journalist. She also writes for Autostraddle and bi.org