A definitive ranking of Donald Trump piñatas available on Amazon

Somebody has to be doing the smashing.

Feb 29, 2020, 2:39 pm*

Internet Culture

 

Aaron Sankin

Donald Trump may be sitting pretty atop on the polls for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, but adoration for the real estate heir turned reality TV star is limited to his core group of supporters. A recent Gallup poll found that 59 percent of respondents said they had a negative opinion of Trump and only 32 percent viewed him fondly—the biggest net gap for any candidate on either side of the race.

There are a lot of people who are pretty mad at Trump for, well, pick pretty much anything he’s said or done over the past few months. But how best to express that anger?

The answer is, of course, piñata! For your literal Trump-bashing pleasure, here is the definitive rundown of the best Trump piñatas available on Amazon.

Extra Large Donald Trump Piñata

Pink tie provides hint about which group Trump will demonize next: +3

Holds five pounds of candy: +5

Finger points outward instead of at himself in fundamental misreading of Trump’s priorities: -2

Cold, dead eyes capture Trump’s real-life inability to experience real, human emotion—an existential emptiness that has driven nearly every action Trump has taken throughout his entire life: +6

Not available on Amazon Prime: -5

Total score: Angry face made by Ted Cruz‘s ultra-religious father after Trump attacked Cruz by telling an audience in Iowa that “not a lot of evangelicals come out of Cuba.” (Note: You’re actually the real racist for thinking this blatantly race-baiting remark is racist.) 

Donald Trump Piñata

Size ratio between head and body is about right: +6

Looks like the type of piñata who would totally date a piñata of his own daughter: +2

One reviewer wrote that “[the] box it came it were pieces of other boxes all taped together. The piñata did not contain any candy. It was just a big mistake!!!”: -5

Another reviewer wrote: “What a rip off. A magazine quality picture was pasted onto a cheap piñata and I’m embarrassed for anyone to see how ripped off I was. And the folks selling this know it cause there was no receipt, no way to return it. OMG, the joke is on me.” Final sentence indicates how the experience of buying this piñata serves as an important civics lesson about the American political process: +8

Not available on Amazon Prime: -5

Total score: Vial of Bruce Springsteen’s tears always worn around Chris Christie‘s neck, only to be drunk in case of emergencies.

Donald Trump Piñata Cartoon impression 22″ x 12″

Anime-style of drawing is cogent reminder that Trump is only one tube of hair gel away from going “Super Saiyan”: +10

Comes to life at midnight during full moon, murders your entire family: -2

Piñata’s lack of an Internet connection makes it resistant to being hacked by Anonymous: +9

Can only be filled with a silent majority of hardworking white candy that doesn’t entirely understand or appreciate the cultural and demographic changes sweeping across the candy aisle at the grocery store: -3

Not available on Amazon Prime: -5

Total score: An animated GIF of Hillary Clinton pounding an entire glass of wine.

TrumPiñata – the Trump Piñata

Maybe the $100 on the piñata is real. Only one way to find out, right?: +9

Name is portmanteau of the words Trump and piñata. Trump supporters likely not comfortable with use of word “portmanteau”: -3

Piñata pledges to use its legendary negotiation skills to convince the government of Mexico to pay for the bat used to bash it into tiny pieces: +4

Since the single thing that most strongly activates the Republican base is antipathy to the mainstream media, the inclusion of this piñata in a satirical listicle framed in a way that’s hostile to Trump only serves to bolster the candidate’s legitimacy in the eyes of a large swath of Republican primary voters: -2

Not available on Amazon Prime: -5

Total score: Animated GIF of President Trump announcing the first annual Hunger Games.

Screengrab via Donald Trump/YouTube | Remix by Jason Reed

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*First Published: Dec 13, 2015, 6:33 pm