With barely a weekend to recover after the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland was marred by fearmongering, plagiarism, outright rebellion, and anti-Pokémon sentiment, the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia is already upon us. And it promises to be ugly.
What? No, not because of the Wikileaks dump of DNC emails—or the fact that it caused DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz to resign her position. I’m talking, of course, about the mid-Atlantic’s most controversial food:
The cheesesteak.
https://twitter.com/fotodave/status/757370821350273024
You see, it’s simply not possible for any politician—let alone a Democrat!—to eat a Philly cheesesteak without being roasted for their choice of toppings, method of consumption, or ignorance of better cheesesteaks.
https://twitter.com/BrianPHickey/status/757372640629784578
In fact, 2004’s Democratic nominee for president, John Kerry—apart from getting reamed for windsurfing and serving in the Vietnam War—was lambasted for ordering a steak with Swiss cheese and “delicately nibbling at it as if it were tea toast.” The pressure to do the cheesesteak stop correctly is so ridiculous that many candidates are now avoiding the sandwich altogether.
https://twitter.com/FrangGab/status/757673397941833728
Note to out-of-town #DNC delegates: if you do not have a serious cheesesteak in Philly. Leave immediately.
— Pablo Guzmán (@yoruba69) July 25, 2016
CSPAN educating Americans #DemsInPhilly #DNCinPHL pic.twitter.com/pZmumHODVr
— Enrico (@The700Level) July 25, 2016
https://twitter.com/gbnypat/status/757674350703108096
Wiz wit is the worst cheese to put on a cheesesteak. https://t.co/fVA3Iwvemb
— Δx Δp ≥ ℏ/2 || youtube.com/@freshprinceofoldtown (@HeckPhilly) July 24, 2016
https://twitter.com/tholzerman/status/757578461481279488
Also, Dalessandro's has the best cheesesteak.
— Myles Tanzer (@mylestanzer) July 25, 2016
This isn’t something as simple as New York pizza, where the rules are basically just: “Don’t go to a chain, and don’t use a fork and knife.” (But seriously, Trump, get your shit together.) There is basically no end to the faux pas one can commit in trying to have a cheesesteak for lunch.
https://twitter.com/MustBeAdam/status/757660689116831746
So no, I don’t expect the Democratic party to crumble in the face of dissent from angry Bernie Sanders supporters. I don’t expect Schultz’s disgrace to have any lasting impact, nor do I imagine Hillary Clinton making a misstep—unless, of course, she fucks up when it’s time to eat a cheesesteak.
And if she does… god help us all.
https://twitter.com/cafedotcom/status/724729761172471808