With barely a weekend to recover after the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland was marred by fearmongering, plagiarism, outright rebellion, and anti-Pokémon sentiment, the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia is already upon us. And it promises to be ugly.
What? No, not because of the Wikileaks dump of DNC emails—or the fact that it caused DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz to resign her position. I’m talking, of course, about the mid-Atlantic’s most controversial food:
You see, it’s simply not possible for any politician—let alone a Democrat!—to eat a Philly cheesesteak without being roasted for their choice of toppings, method of consumption, or ignorance of better cheesesteaks.
Philadelphians should refrain from making suggestions on each and every cheesesteak tweet this week. My column: pic.twitter.com/cCvxDG8cdN— Brian P. Hickey (@BrianPHickey) July 25, 2016
In fact, 2004’s Democratic nominee for president, John Kerry—apart from getting reamed for windsurfing and serving in the Vietnam War—was lambasted for ordering a steak with Swiss cheese and “delicately nibbling at it as if it were tea toast.” The pressure to do the cheesesteak stop correctly is so ridiculous that many candidates are now avoiding the sandwich altogether.
Thank you Snapchat for putting a "cheesesteak" option on the "I'm Voting For:" filter. Finally someone who gets it.— Gabby Frang (@FrangGab) July 25, 2016
Note to out-of-town #DNC delegates: if you do not have a serious cheesesteak in Philly. Leave immediately.— Pablo Guzmán (@yoruba69) July 25, 2016
My hot take: the cheesesteak is the most overrated of all foods COME AT ME TWITTER YOUR FAKE MEAT AND CHEESE SUCKS https://t.co/GacZyvJx20— Patrick Gallagher (@gbnypat) July 25, 2016
Wiz wit is the worst cheese to put on a cheesesteak. https://t.co/fVA3Iwvemb— Δx Δp ≥ ℏ/2 (@HeckPhiIIy) July 24, 2016
even if you go to Pat's or Geno's, it's okay, even if they are two of the worst places in Philly to get a cheesesteak— Andrew Rosin Forever (@tholzerman) July 25, 2016
Also, Dalessandro's has the best cheesesteak.— Myles Tanzer (@mylestanzer) July 25, 2016
This isn’t something as simple as New York pizza, where the rules are basically just: “Don’t go to a chain, and don’t use a fork and knife.” (But seriously, Trump, get your shit together.) There is basically no end to the faux pas one can commit in trying to have a cheesesteak for lunch.
So no, I don’t expect the Democratic party to crumble in the face of dissent from angry Bernie Sanders supporters. I don’t expect Schultz’s disgrace to have any lasting impact, nor do I imagine Hillary Clinton making a misstep—unless, of course, she fucks up when it’s time to eat a cheesesteak.
And if she does… god help us all.