Don’t f**k this up.
With barely a weekend to recover after the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland was marred by fearmongering, plagiarism, outright rebellion, and anti-Pokémon sentiment, the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia is already upon us. And it promises to be ugly.
What? No, not because of the Wikileaks dump of DNC emails—or the fact that it caused DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz to resign her position. I’m talking, of course, about the mid-Atlantic’s most controversial food:
You see, it’s simply not possible for any politician—let alone a Democrat!—to eat a Philly cheesesteak without being roasted for their choice of toppings, method of consumption, or ignorance of better cheesesteaks.
In fact, 2004’s Democratic nominee for president, John Kerry—apart from getting reamed for windsurfing and serving in the Vietnam War—was lambasted for ordering a steak with Swiss cheese and “delicately nibbling at it as if it were tea toast.” The pressure to do the cheesesteak stop correctly is so ridiculous that many candidates are now avoiding the sandwich altogether.
This isn’t something as simple as New York pizza, where the rules are basically just: “Don’t go to a chain, and don’t use a fork and knife.” (But seriously, Trump, get your shit together.) There is basically no end to the faux pas one can commit in trying to have a cheesesteak for lunch.
So no, I don’t expect the Democratic party to crumble in the face of dissent from angry Bernie Sanders supporters. I don’t expect Schultz’s disgrace to have any lasting impact, nor do I imagine Hillary Clinton making a misstep—unless, of course, she fucks up when it’s time to eat a cheesesteak.
And if she does… god help us all.
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