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Stacy Spensley/Flickr (CC-BY)
If a baguette could move, the world would be a more interesting place.
Perhaps you remember the age-old internet debate about how dogs would wear pants.
Or the one about how a snake would hold a knife.
finally found a reasonable question pic.twitter.com/gdtqf7IkD4— Chappell Ellison ٩( ᐛ )و✎ (@ChappellTracker) July 10, 2018
It’s been a while since we’ve had a really good question like this and, finally, a hero has emerged to give us one. A short filmmaker who goes simply by Dave on Twitter (username @sheepfilms) asked how a sentient baguette would move and offered four distinct possibilities, each of which he was kind enough to animate.
If baguettes could move, how would they move? Give your reasoning pls pic.twitter.com/dZ3Oq7E9Ph— Dave (@sheepfilms) February 7, 2019
This sparked some intense debate on Twitter.
The second one seems more efficient, plus there is minimal friction with the ground, keeping the baguette edible (if you cut the ends. "Les croûtons" as we say in french.)— -Boulet- (@Bouletcorp) February 7, 2019
unpopular take but i gotta go with 1. i think it needs friction for forward motion but isn't bendy enough for 2 or 4. people saying 3 are just afraid of the truth— Liam Kleeson (@MilesKlee) February 7, 2019
If you look closely at the internal bone structure of a baguette, you can actually see small vestigial bones where the arms and legs used to be, before early baguettes had evolved missile tech— not a font lawyer (@onathanats) February 7, 2019
You missed hopping on its end— Danny Kodicek (@DannyKodicek) February 7, 2019
You forgot the most obvious option: rolling sideways— KrispyKrémeMcdonald (@SourCreamMcSalt) February 7, 2019
three would be impossible as it would require a moving mass inside the shell of the baguette....cannot be "baked"— Trump's Tweeting Thumb, a very stable Genius (@Yoshi4fun) February 7, 2019
3 - it’s the only form of locomotion that leaves the crust reasonably intact. The others are all possible but the bread would scream the entire time (this is actually where the French word ‘pain’ originates)— AJ Jefferies (@moonjam) February 7, 2019
1. Me at 8am pre coffee— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) February 8, 2019
2. Me after first cup of coffee
3. Me after second cup of coffee
4. Me at 10am pic.twitter.com/qIj6bnRO3t
Oddly enough the concept itself was rejected outright by “Half an Onion” who said “This is ridiculous. Food can’t do things humans do.”
This is ridiculous. Food can’t do things humans do.— Half An Onion (@HalfOnionInABag) February 8, 2019
Not that it solves the scientific question being asked here, but Dave also included a poll so people could vote.
Here's a survey. How would a baguette move?— Dave (@sheepfilms) February 7, 2019
Thus far, with over 300,000 votes in, “robot rotate” is way out ahead with 63% of the vote.
This isn’t the first time Dave has worked with baguettes creatively. Check out this short video of the “Baguette Express” pulling into a station.
In fact, a lot of his work seems to be of a fun/surreal nature.
So I replaced my cat's eyes with human eyes for fun: pic.twitter.com/S1OjRlmY3S— Dave (@sheepfilms) May 18, 2015
I got bored, so I filled my office with tits pic.twitter.com/Iqc33mdqAq— Dave (@sheepfilms) November 21, 2018
Infinite Autumn pic.twitter.com/fKz5QtOj8F— Dave (@sheepfilms) October 29, 2018
I hope someone finds it pic.twitter.com/1cV21cAIKU— Dave (@sheepfilms) October 2, 2018
You can check out more of his work on his website sheepfilms.co.uk.
As far as the baguette movement debate goes, we all know the real answer. Baguettes move by luring romantic french couples into putting them into their bicycle basket and taking them on picnics. Case closed.
David Britton is a writer and comedian based in Rhinebeck, New York who focuses on internet culture, memes, and viral news stories. He also writes for the Hard Times and is the creator of StoriesAboutWizards.com.