It’s apparent the writer of an advice column known only as “Ask Amy,” hasn’t spent quite enough time on the Internet to be in on the joke.
Wiseau’s The Room co-star, the famously incongruous Greg Sestero, posted a screenshot of the news column on his Facebook Sunday, noting, “This guy’s situation sounds familiar:”
The best part of the prank is that while The Room is, on the surface, an intense psychological melodrama, the bad acting, terrible dialogue, randomly disappearing plot lines and characters, and inexplicable behavior of everyone involved make it more of a surrealist comedy. The phrasing of the advice column removes it from that context and attempts to articulate the woes of Wiseau’s main character, Johnny, as a desperate plea for help—but the culminating effect is still to leave poor “Amy” as baffled and weirded out as all of us were the first time we watched the movie.
Here’s “Johnny’s” ask:
I have a serious problem with my future wife. She has not been faithful. I overheard her talking to her friend about it. When I confronted her, all she said was she couldn’t talk right now. I feel like I have to record everything in my own house just to learn the truth.
To make things even more stressful is the fact that she recently told a couple of people that I hit her, but it’s not true. I’m not sure why she has been acting like this. She did just find out her mother has breast cancer, and that might be playing a role in her behavior.
We still always find time to make love, so I don’t know why she would go out seeking it from someone else. I just can’t believe she would do this to me. I love her so much; she is my everything, and I don’t know that I could go on without her. What should I do?
And “Amy’s” all too reasonable response:
The first thing you should do is to not get married. Your fiancée’s behavior and your response are the very essence of dysfunction. If you are correct and she is stepping out on you, this is a huge problem. Your declaration that you feel like you “have to record everything… just to learn the truth” is chilling. Her counter-accusation that you hit her is potentially very dangerous for you.
Because of an escalation in behavior I sense in both of you—and the seemingly toxic connection between you two—it would be wisest for you to [seek] the support of close friends [and consult with a] professional counselor to [help you deal] with this loss and change.
Hilariously, or maybe ominously, Amy predicts the “escalation in behavior” that actually happens in the plot of the film. Her only mistake is not anticipating that Johnny’s chosen professional counselor, a character named “Peter,” would walk out of the film and never be heard from again. (In real life, the actor walked off the set.)
Then again, she also failed to interrogate Johnny’s claim that Lisa’s mom definitely has breast cancer, so maybe we should be grateful she didn’t take a closer look at the many plot holes lining Johnny’s innocent statements.
At least we’re glad Amy didn’t leave her comments in her pocket.