After a breakup, this couple reunited stronger—they say this one change made all the difference

There is no lack of inspirational relationship stories across TikTok, but codependency coach @alyssaaazander struck a particular chord when she opened up about one specific shift that healed her relationship after a breakup. In a recent video, Alyssa explains how she had split from her partner for five years—only to rekindle their love seven months later, with a healthier foundation.

The change? Alyssa says she stopped obsessing with her partner and relationship and instead began to focus on herself. It sounds simple enough, but the couple says now their relationship feels as though it has entered a new chapter—and the story of self-love and second chances is resonating with viewers.

‘One thing that completely changed our relationship’

On Jan. 7, 2025, TikTok account @alyssaaazander posted a video to her page titled “The one thing that changed our relationship.” The video had the caption, “Tending to codependency in my relationship changed everything for us.” In the video, Alyssa and her partner are baking cookies together. In both voiceover and captions, the creator said, “If I could share the one thing that completely changed our relationship it would be this.”

@alyssaaazander Tending to codependency in my relationship changed everything for us 🥹🙏🏾 #fyp #viralvideo #relationship #codependency #relatable #healing #selflove ♬ Pieces (Solo Piano Version) – Danilo Stankovic

Alyssa dated her partner for over four years, after which the couple decided to break up. She says the details around the breakup were “pretty cringe.” Still, according to her Substack, the couple “wanted different things, so we decided to walk away from our relationship.”

After seven months, the pair encountered each other again. In an interview with Newsweek, Alyssa said her ex “looked so free and alive—happier than I had seen him in years. That moment rocked me. I realized I might have been the damp blanket over his flame.”

Despite this, the pair got back together—and five years later, they are still going strong. “I kind of see our relationship in two parts,” Alyssa said. “The before and after the breakup. I have to admit the second half of our relationship doesn’t even compare to the first half.”

Alyssa asked her partner what he thought changed from the first part of the relationship to the second. He said, “You started focusing on yourself.” And, Alyssa agreed. “Honestly, I think he’s right. I basically took all the energy I spent obsessing about him—what he’s doing and not doing—and focused on myself.”

“Now we bake cookies together, and watch movies and TV, and laugh more than ever together,” she said. “I had no idea that codependency was negatively impacting our relationship. As soon as I turned my attention on the role I was playing in those dynamics, everything in my relationship changed.”

Why viewers are finding comfort in Alyssa’s story

The video reached TikTokers dealing with similar situations. “My partner of ten years broke up with me four weeks ago for the exact same reasons you’re talking about and I’m grieving so much,” one comment read.

“I’m in the midst of my most heartbreaking breakup and I sincerely hope we find our way back to each other once my other half commits to his mental health,” another read. “This gave me hope!”

Much of Alyssa’s work revolves around healing relational trauma, including two videos that went viral in 2023: “How to stop obsessively thinking about someone,” and another video about overthinking in relationships. The videos clearly touched users, many of whom struggled to find a healthy, non-codependent relationship.

Experts say personal growth is the key to a healthy relationship

According to Betterhelp, a mental health platform that provides direct online counseling and therapy services, focusing on yourself is critical to a healthy relationship. “Investing in yourself is likely necessary to maintain good self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being. It is also likely that personal growth and focusing on your own happiness will allow you to bring more to your relationship, not less.”

For those who find it challenging to prioritize their self-development, the website suggests starting small and working towards bigger measures of independent activities. These include widening one’s social circle, creating boundaries, positivity, and leaning into behaviors that promote mental and physical wellness.

The Daily Dot has reached out to @alyssaaazander via direct message on TikTok. The creator did not immediately respond to the request for comment.

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