Will my social media mobility cease to exist when my body expires? I’d like to think not. The question is: What’s the most efficient way to carry on tweeting into the afterlife?
I refuse to leave my passwords to friends and family (if I give them out they’ll prank me and abuse it). Keeping my login details with a notary expert is a bad call, as well as a waste of money. From the grave, I would like my fans to be able to tag me in pictures that will appear on my Pinterest, as if I uploaded them myself. This will mean that I can live on, online, in infamy.
The best way to stay active on social media from beyond the grave is using IFTTT (If This Then That), a site that allows you to create "recipes" for the Internet. Here are some of the recipes that I’ve curated ready for 2060, the year I plan to opt for euthanasia and have mercy on myself.
Celebrity wake-up calls
I plan to keep my phone contracted to Vodafone and always plugged in for power after I lose consciousness. Therefore, this recipe remains relevant:
Keep changing your profile picture
This one is a must as I plan to keep changing profile pictures daily after my death. Currently I never change it, but when I die I’ll do it every day and it will always be a surprise. There will be random photos in marvellous colours.
Tweet all private messages
I’m considering triggering this even while I’m still alive. There's no reason to keep my text messages to myself. They should all end up on Twitter. The tweets are content only, meaning I’m not going to automatically tweet who sent them to me. This is actually the opposite of metadata collection.
Foursquare corpse check-ins
If my body is moved from one cemetery to another, I’d like to check in on Foursquare (sorry, Swarm) to the new location. To do this, I’ll ask to place a tracking device on my body. This way, all check-ins should export to Google Calendar in case Foursquare goes under.
Obviously my email inbox will never stop receiving party invites and bills. I might as well get weather updates too.
Save your Tumblr likes for your future life
There’s nothing like having Feedly in the future. The “Later” in this recipe can mean many things.
Save money on holiday lighting
I will never get home after I’m buried, therefore my holiday lights won’t be turned on, therefore I will save money. I intend to issue standing orders for eternity to pay for all automatically renewing services such as lighting and Instagram followers.
Wallpapers for eternity
Since I’m definitely going to use Instagram forever, and Android is a solid operating system that will last a long time, here is a recipe to change mine and my dead friends' wallpapers to my latest Instagram post. This is a touching tribute, created by @darrenmillar:
For more recipes curated by Nimrod click here.
Illustration by Jason Reed