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A very thorough guide.
It’s 2017, and the world has lost its collective mind over fidget spinners. But after watching countless videos of fidget spinners on pets, on people, in people, in public, and beyond, we thought you could use a helpful guide titled Where Not to Put Your Fidget Spinner. Share it with your children or your fidgety co-worker, and help keep them from becoming the next national headline for getting one stuck somewhere it should never have been in the first place.
Where Not to Put Your Fidget Spinner
A is for airport, like Germany’s here.
Don’t import a knockoff, and you’ve nothing to fear.
B is for booty, it has to be said:
This is one type of fun that’s not better in bed.
C is for class, where it will get taken:
A teacher’s resolve is not to be shaken.
D is for dick, it should go without saying,
but somehow this guy thinks that constitutes playing.
E is for ear, if it even would fit,
though I guess with some gauges, you’d be quite a hit.
F is for Fido, even if he’ll let you.
Try a good toy for dogs, like a ball or a shoe.
G is for gator, though we wouldn’t dare—
Have you seen what they’ll do with those chompers in there?
H is for hair, whether it’s long or it’s short.
When the craze has died down, you’ll be panicked: “Abort!”
I is for ice cream; that’s just plain icky—
All the bearings would become impossibly sticky.
J is for jail, in which you might land
If you try to sneak one in as contraband.
K is for knees, even if the tricks look good.
Just because you can doesn’t mean that you should.
L is for ladybits—no, we’ll get to that later…
Just trust when we say that you’re no innovator.
M is for mouth. These things aren’t for eating!
Swallow a part and you’ll quickly need treating.
N is for nature, where one caused a fire.
Don’t play with matches; results can be dire.
O is for openings, big ones or small,
Butts, mouths, and noses—say no to them all.
P is for penis—yep, we covered that too—
Just trying to make this straightforward for you.
Q is for quiet, like in a library
You think your toy’s silent, but it’s really not very.
R is for racist threads (someone already tried)
But stay out of there anyway; there’s zero upside.
S is for shoe. Seriously, why even bother?
And good luck explaining scuffed kicks to your father.
T is for toddler, or baby, or kid—
Fidget spinners on faces we expressly forbid.
U is for under your pillow at night:
If it hasn’t yanked hair out yet, well, it might.
V’s for vagina, whether fake news or not
That’s definitely one place you don’t want something caught.
W’s for White House, where we saw Trump swear in
but we need everyone focused, even Master Barron.
X out their use at church or the pool;
You’re trying too hard to look edgy or cool.
You really must guess, as we’re closing this list
That the shortcut is simple: “Try here?” No, resist.
Zero places were meant for fidgeting fun,
Save the tip of one finger and the edge of your thumb.
Monica Riese now serves as the Daily Dot’s director of production, having previously been the publication’s entertainment editor and assistant managing editor. She is based in Austin, Texas, and formerly contributed to the Austin Chronicle, where her breaking news work was recognized by the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies.