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You can shove your stupid fidget spinner right up your @$$!
Fidget spinners have now reached critical mass. People are attaching rockets to them, balancing them on the heads of alligators, and the heads of their penises. What’s really left to do? Apparently the answer is glue one to the end of a butt plug.
Be the talk of every party, become the rectal tilt a whirl you’ve dreamt of, legitimately identify as that Apache attack helicopter you’ve always known you really where!
Imagine the look on coworkers faces as they watch your stress levels bottom out, this toy could be the thing that keeps you cool and collected, any time your stressed, just sit and spin!
Yes. Imagine those looks.
The butt plug is available in three different sizes to “to fit any attention span,” and even comes in a light-up LED version which the company claims is perfect for “cosplay, swap meets, church gatherings, camping, bake sales, white elephant parties, road side emergencies, reading in the dark and lots more.”
Not really feeling the fidget spinner aspect? Don’t to worry, the company sells a full line of butt plugs to fill any void in your life, including one with a compass, one with a googly eye, and a somewhat confusing one that says “baby on board.”
Um, guys, that’s not where the baby comes out.
Luckily they created a second toy that explains what they meant.
You can almost hear the old timers complain, “When I was first experimenting with my anus, we had plain black rubber butt plugs and we did just fine!”
Sorry, grandpa, time marches on and the butt plugs of yesteryear just don’t cut it anymore. If you’re going to make it in today’s hi-tech, modern world, you’re going to need to wrap your mind (and your rectum) around the toys of the future.
David Britton is a writer and comedian based in Rhinebeck, New York who focuses on internet culture, memes, and viral news stories. He also writes for the Hard Times and is the creator of StoriesAboutWizards.com.