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What to buy on Amazon before the feds invade Texas

Leave no apocalypse product unbought.

 

Jené Gutierrez

Internet Culture

Published May 9, 2015   Updated May 28, 2021, 9:14 pm CDT

Well fuck, y’all, it is upon us. With the false flag of the Garland attack to distract us from the wrongdoings of our own government’s Jade Helm exercises, I thought I’d share my Amazon Wish List ahead of the inevitable takeover of my home state by the U.S. government and the evil corporations that don’t like our freedom.

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They don’t want to see us free because that would mean we wouldn’t need them. It’s every man for himself out there, and though I fear that sharing my Amazon Armageddon list might give people the wrong socialist impression of me, I’m willing to sacrifice my carefully constructed digital image because I feel it is my American duty to help others on their individualistic path toward liberty. Martial law will soon be in effect, and we will all need to be prepared for that day.

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The first thing that’s gonna happen is there’s gonna be fucking militia out there roaming the streets, looking for a fight. So you gotta basically treat this situation like some nuclear fallout and bunker the hell down. 

Now, you can’t actually buy a bunker on Amazon, and honestly, you shoulda been on top of that years ago, buddy boy. Amazon, though, being the great corporation that it is, does have options for you.

The next best thing to a bunker is a play bunker.

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Amazon

So set that up, then maybe throw a couple of these in front of it:

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And now you got yourself a bona fide tarp protected by water-filled obstacles, sure to baffle any gun-toting government official. 

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But since your lack of an actual bunker is really doing you no favors, you can get into what I like to call “The Bunker Zone” simply by wearing clothing with the word “bunker” on it.

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Or you can watch the hit 1983 flick The Bunker, starring America’s sweetheart, Sir Anthony Hopkins, as Adolf Hitler.

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Amazon

Once you have an ineffective bunker or have absorbed the bunker mentality, you’ll need to get supplies to last you until the havoc has died down—meaning when most people are dead or in jail. The rest of us will be out there, off the grid, in renegade mode. So here are some practical items I recommend.

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You of course already have a few guns lying around, but you’ll need additional weaponry if you have any hope of evading the corporate militia zombie force. This throwing axe is specially designed to split the skulls of the one-world government goon squad.

Amazon

What’s better than brass knuckles and a stun gun? Fuckin’ electrified knuckles. That Mickey Mouse militia won’t even expect these. (Order two sets.)

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Amazon

The other weapon you’ll need is a sword. And it should be legit. None of this “collectible” horseshit. If you know me, you know what I’ve always said: “You can’t go wrong with a simple Christian sword.”

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Amazon

Now that we have weaponry under control, you’ll have to be prepared for diversion tactics. 

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Once you emerge from your bunker, you’ll need to disguise yourself, and you can’t go wrong with a menacing cloak. Especially at night, no one will be able to see you. Camouflage is for chumps—menacing cloaks are where it’s at, compadres.

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With the stormtroopers brandishing high-tech weapons and Martial Law Gear, you’ll have to find alternative ways to scare them. This wolf mask is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my 40 years on this planet, so I’m very confident that the wolf mask/menacing cloak combo will frighten the bulletproof vests right off those brainwashed G-men. You can even purchase the rest of the wolf costume if you want to go Full Wolf on their asses.

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Amazon

Don’t forget that you’ll need to cover your human odor with the smell of a wild canine. No doubt the Obama-bots will have dogs trained to sniff people out, so it is imperative that you purchase this lupine-scented Old Spice deodorant.

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You’ll need someplace to hide your valuables. This hairbrush will not only keep your wolf coat clean and shiny, it will also serve as a container for your currency and other items that you don’t want the the reptilian Illuminati to confiscate.

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Amazon

Speaking of which, everyone knows the dollar is as unstable as our collapsing democracy. You’ll need to obtain a commodity whose arbitrary value never changes: gold. My suggestion is to get this Ziploc bag filled with gold and dirt that you can sift through. This will give you some practice for when you have to pan for it later.

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Amazon

Keep a nice stock of this rice gruel; it should get you through a couple of months.

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Amazon

But the good Lord knows you’ll need to tear into some meat. This is a large, beautiful, affordable cage that you can use to trap a variety of meaty bodies. You should be able to easily slaughter them with your guns, that throwing axe, or those electrified knuckles. You can even eat them alive—there ain’t no rules when it comes to the Democrat-hastened apocalypse.

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Amazon

Try as you might—and this is hard for me to admit—some things are not within your control. That doesn’t mean you can’t have some sway, however. 

Don’t be afraid to align yourself with the moon goddess and cast some spells related to lunar phases. I’m not into witchcraft or any of that devil shit, but more than once I’ve combined the blood of a virgin, two blackberry bush thorns, three hairs from a marmot’s tail, and the powdered bark of a tree struck by lightning 666 years ago in the cavern of a jade skull (not available on Amazon) to get what I want.

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Amazon

Next, you’ll want some supplies to ensure the satisfaction of your manly desires. To set the mood and channel the spirit of virility, hang this photograph of Chuck Norris and a wolf that could totally be a metaphor for you, in your bunker, with Chuck Norris.

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Last, but certainly not least, you’ll want to have control of where you rot. This book will go a long way in helping to provide you a safe place to decompose without allowing the puppet-masters access to your mortal coil. Alternatively, or additionally, you can maybe sleep in here—wolf form optional.

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Amazon

All right, y’all, that about does it. These are the bare Amazon necessities a lone person needs to resist the federal alien black ops nanny state takeover. What? Your family? Naw, man—it’s too late for them. Say your goodbyes and wander off into the swamp. Maybe you’ll cross paths again in the wasteland.

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Then again, it’ll be fun getting back into the survivalist singles scene.

Photo via Incase/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

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*First Published: May 9, 2015, 12:00 pm CDT