Leave it to social media to have the perfect dating advice right around the season you have to fly back home and deal with curious relatives. If you’re bringing a partner to this year’s family dinner, it’s a good idea to make sure he, she, or they aren’t Vincent van Gogh, Jake from State Farm, or a raccoon. Thankfully, some folks on Twitter made it clear how to avoid these pitfalls through the helpful “he’s not your man” meme.
The meme starts off with generally pretty good advice—if a man isn’t paying attention to you, either by taking too long to text back or not watching your Instagram stories, for example—it’s clear you’re not actually dating. But then the meme goes on to get weirder, listing characteristics of specific historical or literary figures.
Maybe your new beau is a history major, so make sure you know who you’re bringing to dinner.
https://twitter.com/0pxj0/status/1066370087542841345
https://twitter.com/0pxj0/status/1066369104783773696
https://twitter.com/0pxj0/status/1066371475052072960
https://twitter.com/ragsoflove/status/1065960788073070593
Ladies, if he:
— Dr. Sarah Parcak (@indyfromspace) November 23, 2018
-only responds if u text in emojis
-doesn’t care about your single wife policy
-refuses to wear anything but fine linens
-is a staunch polytheist
-claims victory at Kadesh when it was a tie
He’s not your man. He’s Egypt’s greatest king from Dyn 19, Ramesses II
Maybe you’re a huge geek. You’ve always wanted to get your family into Dungeons & Dragons. Well, good news:
https://twitter.com/ReidSuxLol/status/1066369917308399616
https://twitter.com/TeawithTolkien/status/1066165274301353984
If politics is a frequent topic of conversation during the holidays, make sure you’re not bringing any dead presidents or alt-right weirdos.
ladies, if he:
— Matt Negrin, HOST OF HARDBALL AT 7PM ON MSNBC (@MattNegrin) November 24, 2018
-can’t spell
-didn’t go to public school
-has 10 yachts
-makes it difficult to report sexual assault
-quietly dismantles the education system hiding behind a phalanx of more corrupt administration officials
he’s not a man. he’s secretary of education betsy devos
https://twitter.com/KylePlantEmoji/status/1065676176834744320
Ladies, if he:
— Leah Greenberg (@Leahgreenb) November 24, 2018
– doesn't respond to your calls & won't meet you in public
– demands you "compromise" by giving him his way
– is funded by shadowy conservative billionaires
– has vague, suspect objections to Pelosi
He's not your man. He's the House Problem Solvers Caucus
Ladies, if he:
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 24, 2018
-only meets you in garages
-makes dates by covertly marking up a newspaper
-tells you to follow the money
-you don't learn his real name for decades
He's not your man. He's Deep Throat.
And then there are just the weird ones that any self-respecting human should avoid:
https://twitter.com/rachel/status/1066189521941860353
https://twitter.com/zotpatrol/status/1066376599728091137
https://twitter.com/oldmackyd/status/1066375501143580673
Ladies, if he:
— eleni sauvageau👻 (@Electriceleni) November 24, 2018
– is amazing at soccer
– is v cute and considerate and funny
– loves Gouda
– puts tampons in his nose
He's not your man. She's The Man starring Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum
And then there’s just the damn truth.
https://twitter.com/emmafischer_/status/1066367105317113858
The meme first appeared on Twitter on Nov. 22; since then it’s expanded to address advertising mascots:
https://twitter.com/alisonguzzetti/status/1066362763138740227
Ladies, if he:
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 24, 2018
– only wants to hang out when he's drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta
He's not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
And animals:
https://twitter.com/ItsTheBrandi/status/1066171104589475840
Ladies, if he:
— fish girl (@sharksandpoems) November 24, 2018
– ignores text messages
– doesn't like your tweets
– can’t see directly in front of himself
-hunts stingrays
– migrates between the Bahamas and the Carolinas
He's not your man. He's a Great Hammerhead Shark.
Ladies, if he:
— junie b. jonestown (@elizabethbelsky) November 24, 2018
– leaves you on read
– doesn't watch your Insta stories
– weighs up to 1,000 pounds at his fighting weight
– spends all summer eating thousands of salmon from the Brooks River
He's not your man. He's 480 Otis, three-time Fat Bear Week champ pic.twitter.com/BmzBDXjJRM
And, of course, Gritty:
Ladies, if he:
— JEFF (@jeffisrael25) November 24, 2018
– never responds to your texts
– doesn’t watch your Insta stories
– has an unclear backstory
– is mean to children
– works as an agent of chaos
– is a furry orange monstrosity
He’s not your man. He’s Gritty
A meme that can be used to reference another meme? Count us in.
Some bigger organizations have gotten in on the meme, with varying levels of success:
Ladies, if he:
— Adam Smith Institute (@ASI) November 24, 2018
– ignores text messages
– spends all of his time at work
– insists he can see phantom limbs
– has encyclopaedic knowledge of ancient physics, logic and astronomy
He's not your man. He's the father of modern economics, Adam Smith
Ladies, if he:
— Daily Wire (@realDailyWire) November 24, 2018
– ignores text messages
– doesn't like your tweets
– is always cold
– rarely opens up to you
– never leaves the house
– makes weird humming sounds at night
He's not your man. He's a refrigerator.
So, this holiday season, why not get some useful dating advice from a meme? You might learn something about historical figures in the process.
READ MORE:
- Donald Trump memes are making the internet great again
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