The entire point of fast food restaurants’ drive-through experience, we’d all agree, is the incredible convenience. Even if there’s a glitch with the intercom system or we have to root around in the cupholder for exact change, it’s low-stakes, low-hassle, and likely to produce delicious results.
All of this makes the late-night McDonald’s saga of a man named Josh Raby all the more stunning. It started, innocently enough, with a milkshake craving—but it spiraled out of control from there.
It's 1AM and I decided I wanted a milkshake. So there's a McDonald's near my house. I'm greeted at the drive thru by the following sentence:
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
"Hey holy shit hello, you are at McDonald's, and I am begging your patience."
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
There are no other cars here, by the way. I'm caught off guard so I mumble "Um, ok you can have it."
The voice comes back:
"Praise you."— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
So I sit for a minute, then he finally returns and says "please tell me your order"
So I say "milkshake"
I don't know why that's all I said— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
"I'll need a minute", he replies. I realize I did not describe my desired milkshake in any way so I yell "I need to tell you what kind."
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
He is gone for several minutes. When he returns he says flatly "we aren't going to be able to do the milkshake. I do have many apple pies."
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
This is about when most of us would have cut our losses and started looking for a nearby Wendy’s. Not Raby, though. He was in it to win it.
Do not ask me why I did this but the next words out of my mouth were
"Are you ok"
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
"I am not ok. Would you please tell me your order so I can try to punch it in? I will be very slow, but I will get it."
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
My chicken sandwich order confuses him. Several minutes are spent repeating what I want on it, watching the screen as he tries over and over
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
At one point I guess he gave up because the screen just went black for a while.
I hear a deep exhale.
"Dude I lost my wife".
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
Oh, no. Oh god, no.
"I'm sorry, man, I-"
"Please describe your chicken sandwich to me again so I can succeed at one thing."
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
Anyway he finally gets it and then says "I really do feel bad about the milkshake situation. Can I sell you an apple pie?"
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
"Fine. I will buy an apple pie."
"Apple pies are cheaper than milkshakes anyway."
"Ok, thanks"
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
Then there is a weird series of beeps and when his voice comes back in he is fucking SCREAMING into his headset:
"I FOUND HER! THANK GOD!"— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
"What? Who did you find?"
"MY WIFE. SHE WAS WATCHING ME FROM BEHIND THE BOXES!"
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
Is it just me, or are bath salts making a big comeback?
At this point I have ordered a chicken sandwich I do not want and an apple pie I do not want and no milkshake and I've been here 22 minutes
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
"Can you give me my total" I say because honestly I don't know if I want to understand his marriage or if I even could and I just want to go
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
So he says "your total is 8 HOLD ON my wife is here and she wants me to tell you she will sell you 2 apple pies at a discount"
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
"What is the discount?"
"2 apple pies for only 2 dollars. You should take it."
(Note: One apple pie is $1.19)
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
"Give me the extra pie"
"She says thank you"
"Tell her I said no problem"
Why am I talking to his wife like this why
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
I pull around and they are fucking making out in the window and he has his thumb out like he is aware I will be driving up to this
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
Both of these people are in their mid-40s
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
They unstick themselves from one another and I hand him my card "sorry about this. I haven't worked at McDonald's in 16 years" he says
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
I say "it's fine" to which he says "FINE just stands for FUCKED UP, INSECURE, NEUROTIC, and ERROR-PRONE"
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
His wife cackles and says "I knew that when I was 13, get with it, man!"
I have been here 37 minutes.
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
I am then treated to a story about how they met at a McDonald's that is very short and is really only "we met at McDonald's in 1993"
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
So listen I get my card and drive ahead to the next window and THERE IS A WHOLE SEPARATE FUCKING HUMAN AT THAT WINDOW
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
He hands me my bag, leans out the window and says "you get to drive away" then promptly shuts the window and sits on a stool, head in hands
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
Damn, dude. David Lynch himself couldn’t have directed this horrorshow. “You get to drive away” indeed, my friend.
But we do have one more question…
My chicken sandwich was wrong, by the way
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
Ah, yep. Should have guessed.
Update 3:12pm CT, April 11: Seems not everyone is buying Raby’s story. Suddenly everyone’s a milkshake truther?
This story is, believe it or not, about to get even weirder
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
To all the online publications asking me to confirm this dumb story I respectfully submit the following pic.twitter.com/arDMusgUwi
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
@alexliverpool88 I never clean out my car
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
@JennMurch @JoshRaby there are literally two pie boxes right there.
— Rev (@RevengeanceQD) April 11, 2016
Y'all I am getting Facebook messages from milkshake truthers
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
Can I tell you a secret
If you are angry my milkshake story might be just a story, then I have bad news for you about most of being alive
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
HOUSE OF CARDS SHIT IS HAPPENING IN MY MESSAGE REQUEST FOLDER RIGHT NOW pic.twitter.com/QISqXDNpT2
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
.@PhilNobileJr I covered this! I told them I meant no ill will. Their response?
"Yes. We are aware you are a writer."— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
It is super important to me that you all know I in no way meant to make fun of working class folks with these tweets.
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
I'm a trailer park kid. My first real job was at a McDonald's. I have eaten a lot of nuggets made by nice people. These people were nice!
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
This is a maybe overearnest response to a silly story, but I've had a lot of hostile responses start coming my way. It's strange.
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA https://t.co/RCiXP2XWZW
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
She has a real point here pic.twitter.com/Ra4kOeNiGp
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
Whatever happens next, Raby did finally get his milkshake.
https://twitter.com/emily_corinne17/status/719566552341835776
Also, do stay turned for the porn version of this timeless tale.
https://twitter.com/TVMaury/status/719590409081647104
Also, he probably made the whole thing up. Sorry about that.
Seems a good time to mention I am a writer
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 11, 2016
Update 11:00am CT, April 13: He didn’t make the whole thing up! But a lot of Raby’s drive-thru adventure was, admittedly, what we in the media game like to call “not 100 percent true.”
I am a man who writes funny and stupid stories about weird southern characters, I hope one day, for a living.
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 13, 2016
I mean just flat-out, unadulterated foolishness straight out of my head. I am happy to tell you that, on the last day of this nonsense.
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 13, 2016
Did I receive this milkshake? Nope. Did I end up getting offered a deal on apple pies by a funny man and his funnier wife? Yes.
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 13, 2016
I spent 8 minutes in a McDonald's drive-thru, I met three sweet and lovely people, and then I tried to make my 740 Twitter followers laugh.
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 13, 2016
So the true truth is this: I wanted a milkshake, didn't get it, but met a truly lovely couple that were a total blast, & then I made jokes.
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 13, 2016
McDonald's is in fact sending me a limo to take me to get a milkshake (now at 2pm). McDonald's has a better sense of humor than some of you.
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 13, 2016
I am Twitter's greatest McMonster https://t.co/f9LHuhB66b
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) April 13, 2016
Of course, it’s already far too late for this confession. We’ll never stop believing.