‘F**k Tortoise’ saves his endangered species by having sex all the time

Diego, a Galapagos tortoise whose sexual prowess has saved his entire species, has been praised effusively in dozens of news articles today. The internet is just discovering the good sex reptile, and already he is a big hero. 

Diego, the horny tortoise, is over 100 years old. He lived in relative anonymity in the San Diego Zoo until the 1970s, when Chelonoidis hoodensis was identified as a species and he was found to be one of them. He was transported back to the Galapagos in 1976 to help repopulate the island with giant tortoises. 

The big sexual boy, at 175 pounds and 5 feet tall (when he stretches his neck), proved to be up to the task. To date, he has fathered 800 offspring—that’s roughly 40 percent of the current Chelonoidis hoodensis population. 

He currently “shares his enclosure with six females,” according to the AFP.

The reaction to the virile he-tortoise has been positively gushing. Diego is the new meme. Matt Christman, one of the hosts of the Chapo Trap House podcast, summed up the whole thing with this series of tweets.

But Diego is not just a niche Weird Twitter star. He is the badass new sex god of all online. Please enjoy these blurbs about how cool the shell-encased sex enjoyer is. 

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*Nods sagely*—the tortoise is good, actually.

Jay Hathaway

Jay Hathaway

Jay Hathaway is a former senior writer who specialized in internet memes and weird online culture. He previously served as the Daily Dot’s news editor, was a staff writer at Gawker, and edited the classic websites Urlesque and Download Squad. His work has also appeared on nymag.com, suicidegirls.com, and the Morning News.