Odds are you’ve already clicked on a post about this joke of a “study” identifying some vague correlation between eating grilled cheese sandwiches and having more sex. Even if this poll weren’t conducted by Skout (a social network you’ve never heard of), and even if the discrepancy in bedroom action dividing the pro- and anti-grilled cheese camps weren’t a negligible few percentage points, it would rank among the most useless data sets in history.
But there’s one thing we don’t need a shitty infographic to prove: Grilled cheeses are, in and of themselves, incredibly sexy. Forget having sex with other people. I want to make love to these six sumptuous sandwiches.
Goddamn. Break me off a piece of that. Those sourdough curves, those greasy bubbles. I would definitely leave my wife for a sandwich of this caliber. If I never penetrated another human woman afterward, I’d still die a happy man.
2) This other grilled cheese
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I’m crazy about the “exotic” look. You just know this grilled cheese would fuck you eight ways from Sunday and make a huge mess in the process. Then it would make you a grilled cheese.
3) Another grilled cheese I found
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This grilled cheese has a lot going on. It’s mysterious. It’s complex. It’s sophisticated. It looks like it speaks four languages and went to a Swiss boarding school as a teenager. And sometimes that’s exactly what you need: a sandwich that can carry on a good conversation—after you’ve had sex with it.
How dare anyone burn-shame this gorgeous grilled cheese! It may be charred on the outside, but it’s beautiful and melty on the inside, and that’s what really counts. Didn’t @_Skyelinn learn anything from those body-positive Dove ads?
I can’t say enough about a grilled cheese that’s well-traveled and up for anything. Imagine all the places you’d go with this sensual and seductive little spitfire. I know where I’d take it: to Sex Town.
Wow. NSFW warning! Are we even allowed to show a grilled cheese photo this explicit? This probably belongs on a poster in a frat house. But if you’ve got it, flaunt it, I suppose. 10 out of 10, would bang.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'