4 ways to eat healthy like me, a beloved millennial food disruptor

According to Fortune, millennials (hip, cool people like me) are driving an $18 billion food revolution. That math doesn’t really add up because millennials are also the brokest generation ever, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. 

In fact, it seems that millennials’ desire for transparency about where their food comes from is responsible for a sudden disruption of the Monsanto-ification of what we cram into our eat-holes.

So lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we, as millennials (sorry boomers, you can eff off to AltaVista or whatever), can truly disrupt the status quo. It’s a little-known fact that you can successfully be alive by eating some food, a little food, or a lot of food. But you can’t successfully be alive by not eating any food at all. In fact, science has proven this to us. 

Science has also proven that if you eat food, you can have enough energy to drive a car or find meaningful ways to express your anger on Twitter.

If you’re a millennial expert and gourmand like me, you’re also probably always keeping an eye out for the latest food trends—is snow a suitable organic replacement for ice cream? Only one way to find out! 

As Top Chef hostess Padma Lakshmi once proclaimed, “I’m the kind of girl who thinks about what she’s gonna cook for dinner when she’s finishing her lunch.” I’m a lot like Padma in that I also like to plan my meals ahead of time. Unlike Padma, however, I am more generous with my healthy eating tips. And these tips are so top-secret that not even self-appointed Queen of the Millennials Chelsea Krost knows about them… yet!

1) Aid your hearing one yolk at a time

They say that because their eyesight is so bad, mice have great listening skills. If you’re looking to fight off old age and make sure you can hear your next-door neighbors fight until you turn into a bag of bones, encourage your free-range chickens to eat mice like one intrepid Redditor did. But make sure your mice are grain-fed, too, for that earthy taste. If you’re lucky, your chicken’s eggs will have little mouse ears as well—all the better for you to hear with! It’s a great way to shop locally and be eco-conscious.

2) Bug bites, not rib eyes 

A lot of weak-minded people might think chicken, fish, and steak are a great way to get their protein, but once again, research has proven them wrong. In fact, nutritionists recently demonstrated that eating bugs can be a better way of consuming protein than eating a steak. For added health benefits, you will want to raise your bugs locally. Is there a festering, pus-oozing gash on your arm? Encourage a wasp to sit on it and nibble away! He’ll fattening himself up for your dinner! It’s a great way to shop locally and be eco-conscious.

3) Get N 2 the zone! 

Have you ever found yourself envious of the vast amounts of nitrogen your houseplants are able to consume at any time? I have. After all, nitrogen is a fundamental building block of amino acids. And chugging amino acids = getting swole. According to Beef Magazine, “While cattle consume a lot of N as protein in the forage, less than 5% of the N is retained in their bodies. The rest is excreted as either dung or urine.” Luckily, you can now purchase 500 ml vials of cow urine. It’s WHO-approved (as in, “Who cares if cow urine wasn’t originally meant for human consumption?”). Don’t worry, this particular brand of cow urine is sourced from the only place in the world where the lives of cows are valued more than humans (India), so you know it’s top-shelf. It’s a great way to shop locally and be eco-conscious. If you live in India.

4) Don’t be a sap–drink it instead! 

It has long been one of man’s most vexing temptations to eye a birch tree and lick his lips, imagining what tree sap must taste like. As an organic and healthy alternative to Odwalla smoothies, it’s natural that birch tree sap would inspire many to decree it the next wave in trendy drinkables. Perks of drinking sap include a noted reduction in cavities, reduction in cellulite, and a healthier liver. So, grab a spile and race to the nearest forest—before Chelsea gets there first!

And remember: As millennials, it’s up to us to better the world, then post pictures of how we’re doing it on Instagram with the correct hashtag(s). Because if we disrupt food trends and nobody is there to fav it or leave a passive aggressive comment about vegan lifestyles, have we really inspired any kind of change? 

After all, as millennials, we are the future. It is in our poop—the product of a very carefully-curated diet—that scatomancers the world over will be able to regard us as trumpeting in a new era of Renaissance after generations of the Darkest Ages. All thanks to my healthy eating tips.

Photo via Patrick Feller/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)