You all know the saying. With great [Twitter handle] comes great responsibility, for no five words strike such instant, burning frustration in the heart of man like “this username is already taken.” An infinite number of incredible Twitter handles are wasted on the lazy, dull, and painfully uncreative people who obviously never got that memo.
Granted, Twitter started out as a mere blip on the developing social media radar 11 years ago, and a devil’s advocate might say the owners had no idea what they were doing by seizing these valuable handles early in the game. Or perhaps they’re totally oblivious.
Regardless of motive, I’ve compiled a hefty list of potentially awesome Twitter handles completely wasted on their incompetent owners.
1) @smarterchild
Screengrab via Twitter
This is a huge loss for the Twitterverse. SmarterChild was everyone’s favorite AIM bot. He was always full of wit, always interested, and always online. He was Siri before Siri, Alexa before Alexa. Now, instead of being immortalized through humorous tweets, he remains but a memory.
2) @thehotone
Screengrab via Twitter
The one hot person on Twitter (so sayeth his valuable Twitter handle), a Christian Petrovih, has failed to update his loyal following of two since he visited his sister’s house in 2009. What a complete and utter shame.
3) @StraightToDVD
Screengrab via Twitter
Alas, the fake straight-to-DVD titles that never were. “Slumdog Billionaire.” “Spy Kids 7: The Kids Are Still Spying And Still Kids.” Who knows what we could have seen! While this handle held the same comedic-projection promise of accounts like Seinfeld Current Day and Friends Season 11, this account is actually dedicated to an All Time Low DVD. Bummer. At least everyone who follows gets a follow back.
4) @penis
Screengrab via Twitter
Really? REALLY? You’re going to snag the @penis handle and then PROTECT YOUR TWEETS? You’re worse than the apocalypse.
5) @westworld
Screengrab via Twitter/
Frankly, I’m more disappointed in HBO for not working harder to reclaim this handle than I am with whoever it was that “Tagged up to twitter today.”
6) @MightyDucks
Screengrab via Twitter
Robbert doesn’t even seem to have heard of The Mighty Ducks let alone be a big enough fan to own and operate the @mightyducks Twitter handle. He also might be a robot… I was too nervous about clicking on those links to find out more.
7) @McChicken
Screengrab via Twitter
Who ever knew McChickens had a first name? But I guess if the anthropomorphized McDonald’s value menu chicken sandwich had to have interests, these seem about right.
Screengrab via Twitter
No McDonald’s, chicken, or value-menu humor to be found here, unfortunately.
8) @StonedSanta
Screengrab via Twitter
Instead of tweeting about eating too many Oreos or awe that he’s able to soar through the air like an eagle, @stonedsanta has only tweeted about a stabbing death in Fort Garry… or is it Fort Richmond? Jury’s still out on that detail.
9) @Fireball
Screengrab via Twitter
We’ve seen some greatness and brilliant satirization of target audiences in @Nihilista_Arbys, @DennysDiner, @_Burnetts, and @EpcotCentre. The hilarious Fireball-related tweets we could have seen from @Fireball have yet to see the light of day. Instead, @Fireball is dedicated to… um… either a robot or some sort of poorly developed app that never reached the logo stage.
10) @Tamagotchi
Screengrab via Twitter
I had high expectations for @Tamagotchi. Everyone’s favorite digital pet from the 90s deserves to be immortalized via Twitter. This handle comes with major nostalgia points, yet its owner chose only to tweet about waking up, forgetting about Twitter after 6 years, and their new [worse] Twitter handle.
Shame on you all, Twitter noobs. Or perhaps shame on us all for not calling them out on their crimes.