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Martin Luther once said: “Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven!” That’s right, beer gets you into heaven, so drink up.
But just as a love of beer can unite people, at least in the afterlife, the discussion of craft beer can divide a table of otherwise happy drinkers. Some people swear by their locally made microbrews, while others feel it’s pretentious overpriced nonsense.
Regardless where you fall in the debate, you have to admit that a lot of craft beers do have ridiculous names. Peter Cotton Ale, Old Leghumper, and American Stupid Sexy Flanders (all real beers) come to mind.
Considering making your own homebrew? Well if you’re having trouble coming up with a name, just like choosing your porn name, there’s a formula for that. It was created by Australian comedian Melinda Buttle and it seems to work pretty well.
Name your craft beer! It's the job your granddad did plus a word you don't fully understand. Mine is 'The Boxer's Contingency'.— Mel Buttle (@MelindaButtle) September 9, 2017
People on Twitter happily rose to Buttle’s challenge and there were some real gems.
The Miners Fursty https://t.co/8ARrmgRtUh— MJANUFC (@MjaNufc) September 11, 2017
The Newspaperman's Iconoclasm https://t.co/Joc7TR4jlV— Patrick Wyman (@Patrick_Wyman) September 11, 2017
‘The Surveyors Conundrum’— Dai Henwood (@daihenwood) September 10, 2017
The Postman's Fleek— EndgamerAzari (@EndgamerAzari) September 10, 2017
The Grocer's Bayesianism https://t.co/uJKFJCFPGA— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) September 11, 2017
Professor Whom.— W.E.B. Dubious (@TannhauserGated) September 11, 2017
I expect to be sued by the BBC for this. https://t.co/nsdlVLJyOc
Furniture Salesman's Emolument (heavy draught, 8% alc/vol., from Irish Bastard Brewery, Boston, MA) https://t.co/SIblQce65S— just stephanie (@StephDegenerate) September 11, 2017
The Union Organizer's Plenary https://t.co/rBUoCO8gUt— emily nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) September 11, 2017
Butcher's Praxis........oh hell yes b*tch https://t.co/JhUdAGaDTO— not dead luna (@mulderofficial) September 10, 2017
Iron Worker's Syncopation https://t.co/2QKNfrFRHc— Guy Branum (@guybranum) September 11, 2017
The mailman's respite https://t.co/XFXdJeE9Z1— Matt McGrail (@MattMcGrail2) September 11, 2017
The Factory Worker's Current State of Labour's Brexit Policy i'm not sure i would drink this tbh https://t.co/amAy0QbcVf— Gaby Hinsliff (@gabyhinsliff) September 11, 2017
The Unemployed Alcoholic’s Blockchain https://t.co/yL0vdyGlK3— Ben Pobjie (@benpobjie) September 10, 2017
2 grandads, thus 2 pints for me. Never a great drinker, am staggering under combined effects of Salesman's Algorithm and Taxman's Quark.— mirabile dictu (@proteanclod) September 10, 2017
Now all you have to do is start brewing and printing out those labels. Don’t worry, whatever you come up with has to better than “Hoppy Ending Pale Ale”
But even Buttle had a favorite.
@AynRandy: The Vacuum Repairman's Clitoris was pretty good— Mel Buttle (@MelindaButtle) September 10, 2017
Now that’s a beer.
David Britton is a writer and comedian based in Rhinebeck, New York who focuses on internet culture, memes, and viral news stories. He also writes for the Hard Times and is the creator of StoriesAboutWizards.com.