Someone please make me a sandwich

I need help.

 

Miles Klee

Internet Culture

Published Nov 3, 2015   Updated May 27, 2021, 5:11 pm CDT

It’s here. It’s happening. It’s National Sandwich Day. Or, if you’re a person on the Internet, #NationalSandwichDay. Can you feel the electricity? Shut up, yes you do. You’re excited. Admit it. You’re already fantasizing about the perfect sandwich. But there’s a problem: Who’s gonna make it?

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Yes, the proverbial “girl,” “woman,” “mom,” or in certain cases “bitch” must make the sandwich. Otherwise, is it even really a sandwich? We don’t know, and we’d rather not find out. That’s not what National Sandwich Day is all about. To make the sandwich ourselves would be a disgrace.  

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And if we’re being honest, we don’t really know how to make a sandwich. How does all the meat and stuff get between the bread slices? Where do we keep the mustard? Has this lettuce gone bad? (Does lettuce go bad?)  

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Help! Sandwich emergency! We’re not even hungry; it’s just… look, we need a sandwich. Do we have to spell out everything here? The truth is that feminism scares us and we don’t have a rational argument against it, so periodically we yell at a lady to make us a sandwich, because it seems to piss them off—and sometimes they actually make you one! Or hundreds!

In conclusion, make me a goddamn sandwich. Pretty please? At this point we’re pretty much permanently wedged into our recliners, and we don’t want to miss any of this Storage Wars episode. Yeah, we’ve already seen it twice—what’s with the third degree? You know, the longer you stand there flapping your gums, the longer we have to wait for that sandwich. And why do you have your jacket on? What’s with the suitcase?

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Fine! Run away! See if we care. In the end, it simply means more sandwiches for us. If only we had someone to make them, that is.

Photo via Jennifer/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

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*First Published: Nov 3, 2015, 2:35 pm CST