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Potato-mailing services are the last good thing on the Internet
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY.
There is sentimental value in receiving a note in the mail instead of by email or a text message. But sometimes a postcard just isn’t special enough. Sometimes you have to say it with food—and no, not with an Edible Arrangement. The Internet is home to a number of services that allow you to send messages emblazoned on food.
According to the USPS, “Fresh fruits and vegetables are nonmailable unless presented in a dry (not dried) condition. Other perishable foods that are capable of easily decomposing or that cannot reach their destination without spoiling are nonmailable. Packaging must be strong and securely sealed as required in DMM 601.1-7.” So it makes sense to pick a food that can make it through shipment without much wear and tear.
Which, you ask? Potato. Always, always potato.
Allows you to send anonymous messages and images printed on potatoes to your friends and enemies. You can even include a burlap sack in the shipment. The service is available in the U.S., U.K., Canada, Australia, and Europe, and they can fit 15 words on your spud. Potato Parcel does not recommend eating sent potatoes, so maybe your message can be: “I love you but please don’t eat this potato because I can’t get a refund.”
Because capitalism thrives on competition, Anonymous Potato also lets you send anonymous messages on potatoes, though you can choose between “regular” or “large” tubers. Anonymous Potato specifies that they can fit 140 characters on a large potato, so it’s perfect for your friends who refuse to join Twitter and are therefore missing all your jokes.
You know the drill by now—but Mystery Potato can send a whole box of potatoes. Or 13 unlucky black potatoes, if you really want to get creative.
You can also send potatoes via text. Surprised? It’s called the future.
OK, why are there so many potato mailing services? This is getting weird.
Was there ever paper post? Was the mail potatoes this whole time?
You think it’s a different thing, but it’s also a potato mail service. You can send a potato from any website now. We all communicate only via potato.
Tell my family I love them. I am going to the land of milk and taters.
“She died as she lived. Cataloging potato mailing services online.”
Photo via stu_spivack/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)
Jaya Saxena is a lifestyle writer and editor whose work focuses primarily on women's issues and web culture. Her writing has appeared in GQ, ELLE, the Toast, the New Yorker, Tthe Hairpin, BuzzFeed, Racked, Eater, Catapult, and others. She is the co-author of 'Dad Magazine,' the author of 'The Book Of Lost Recipes,' and the co-author of 'Basic Witches.'