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U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, who did not beat Michael Phelps in the 200 meter individual medley, is in hot water for filing a false robbery report with Rio police to cover up his drunken vandalism and fighting.
Lochte on Friday kinda-sorta apologized for the whole thing.
But is it possible that in this lukewarm, boilerplate mea culpa, Lochte was concealing a secret message? Something so shocking that he could not bring himself to confess it directly? Something all but unthinkable?
There you have it, folks: “I KILLED HARAMBE.” You’ve read The Da Vinci Code; you know the cipher doesn’t lie. Lochte murdered the great ape.
It’s bad enough that Lochte tarnished his country and the Olympics with gross disrespect toward a host city—but to find out he’s also a gorilla assassin? That’s just too much, man. Please let 2016 be over now.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'