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Did Ryan Lochte just confess to killing Harambe?

This case just got blown wide open.


Miles Klee

Internet Culture

Posted on Aug 19, 2016   Updated on May 26, 2021, 5:38 am CDT

U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, who did not beat Michael Phelps in the 200 meter individual medley, is in hot water for filing a false robbery report with Rio police to cover up his drunken vandalism and fighting.

Lochte on Friday kinda-sorta apologized for the whole thing.

But is it possible that in this lukewarm, boilerplate mea culpa, Lochte was concealing a secret message? Something so shocking that he could not bring himself to confess it directly? Something all but unthinkable?

There you have it, folks: “I KILLED HARAMBE.” You’ve read The Da Vinci Code; you know the cipher doesn’t lie. Lochte murdered the great ape.

It’s bad enough that Lochte tarnished his country and the Olympics with gross disrespect toward a host city—but to find out he’s also a gorilla assassin? That’s just too much, man. Please let 2016 be over now.

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*First Published: Aug 19, 2016, 1:50 pm CDT