harambe ryan lochte

Photo via @Javi386/Twitter

This case just got blown wide open.

U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, who did not beat Michael Phelps in the 200 meter individual medley, is in hot water for filing a false robbery report with Rio police to cover up his drunken vandalism and fighting.

Lochte on Friday kinda-sorta apologized for the whole thing.

But is it possible that in this lukewarm, boilerplate mea culpa, Lochte was concealing a secret message? Something so shocking that he could not bring himself to confess it directly? Something all but unthinkable?

There you have it, folks: “I KILLED HARAMBE.” You’ve read The Da Vinci Code; you know the cipher doesn’t lie. Lochte murdered the great ape.

It’s bad enough that Lochte tarnished his country and the Olympics with gross disrespect toward a host city—but to find out he’s also a gorilla assassin? That’s just too much, man. Please let 2016 be over now.

Brazilian officials say Ryan Lochte lied about being robbed
Investigators reveal a very different story than the one that first emerged.
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