Did Ryan Lochte just confess to killing Harambe?

U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, who did not beat Michael Phelps in the 200 meter individual medley, is in hot water for filing a false robbery report with Rio police to cover up his drunken vandalism and fighting.

Lochte on Friday kinda-sorta apologized for the whole thing.

But is it possible that in this lukewarm, boilerplate mea culpa, Lochte was concealing a secret message? Something so shocking that he could not bring himself to confess it directly? Something all but unthinkable?

There you have it, folks: “I KILLED HARAMBE.” You’ve read The Da Vinci Code; you know the cipher doesn’t lie. Lochte murdered the great ape.

It’s bad enough that Lochte tarnished his country and the Olympics with gross disrespect toward a host city—but to find out he’s also a gorilla assassin? That’s just too much, man. Please let 2016 be over now.

Miles Klee

Miles Klee

Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions,  and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'