- Sasha Obama went to prom and Twitter is delighted with the photos 2 Years Ago
- Jon Voight says Trump is the greatest president since Lincoln in Twitter videos Today 1:31 PM
- #DeleteFacebook gains momentum after the platform refused to remove doctored Nancy Pelosi videos Today 11:58 AM
- ‘Game of Thrones’ failed women—and it’s a shame on its legacy Today 7:40 AM
- How to use Tor, the network that lets you browse the web anonymously Today 7:30 AM
- How to live stream Devin Haney vs. Antonio Moran on DAZN Today 7:00 AM
- Trump’s transphobic policies are disgusting—but they aren’t new Today 6:30 AM
- How to watch the Copa del Rey Final online for free Today 5:45 AM
- How to watch the DFB-Pokal final for free Today 5:30 AM
- Curvy Wife Guy drops music video for rap song ‘Chubby Sexy’ Friday 7:33 PM
- A ‘Black Mirror’-inspired miniseries is coming to YouTube via Netflix Latin America Friday 5:56 PM
- Kanye West appears on David Letterman’s Netflix show to talk Trump, TMZ, and Drake Friday 3:27 PM
- QAnon believers link small-town arrest to deep state conspiracy without evidence Friday 1:58 PM
- Instagram photos showing prison conditions spark massive protest Friday 1:33 PM
- ‘Gay rat wedding’ headline sparks amazing new meme Friday 1:03 PM
Are Bloomin’ Onions a tool of the Illuminati? No, says Outback Steakhouse
Is Outback Steakhouse part of the occult?
The Illuminati. Pentagrams. The occult. Dan Brown’s seminal novel The Da Vinci Code. Dan Brown’s equally important novel introducing us to Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon, Angels and Demons. Dan Brown’s genuinely uninspired and widely panned follow-up to The Da Vinci Code, The Lost Symbol. Steak. Australia. Australia steak.
Think about it. Put it all together.
You’re not thinking about it.
So think about it harder. Are Outback Steakhouse locations placed around cities in America in a layout that, when traced, form pentagrams? Is that the key to proving the Virgin Mary is still alive? Or that Hillary really won the Electoral College?
The answer to that, according to a Twitter user, is unambiguously yes.
Wtf is Outback Steakhouse planning pic.twitter.com/l1CSafkdOK
— balenci-who? aga ☭ (@eatmyaesthetics) July 27, 2017
Those are Outbacks in New Jersey; Scottsdale, Arizona; Indianapolis; and Decatur, Georgia. They all form pentagrams. But it doesn’t matter the town. They are everywhere. Silicon Valley.
you could've done this though pic.twitter.com/J8kQluhuxG
— ivy (@ddanyelll) July 28, 2017
WASHINGTON FUCKING D.C., MAN.
Y’all may be on to something pic.twitter.com/fXEsSXR5G3
— A henny has no chase (@hanginwitcoop) July 28, 2017
What does all this portend? That smart, forward-thinking brands tend to equally space out restaurants around large population centers?? Or are they secretly plotting our impending doom by arranging their chain outposts in such a way that… don’t make me spell it out for you, dude. They’re already reading this. They’re already here. The call is coming from inside the Bloomin’ Onion dipping sauce. (It’s a really small phone.)
On Twitter, the brand tried to play down the accusations by claiming they owned a giant Bloomin’ Onion capable of defeating us all.
Plot twist. pic.twitter.com/t2VEpCrWY2
— Outback Steakhouse (@Outback) July 28, 2017
That’s a Bloomin’ Onion stretching from Clearwater, Florida to Mulberry. Is it real? Probably. When’s the last time you spoke with someone from the Tampa area? Years? That’s because they’ve been enslaved this whole time building a deep fryer that stretches from the Gulf to the Atlantic. Is that why all these crazy stories have been coming out of Florida all these years? Because the state has secretly been a slave labor camp for Outback? Clearly.
In a statement to the Daily Dot, the company demurred about the possibility that Outback has a weaponized giant Bloomin’ Onion stretching 56 miles across our southernmost state, merely linking to the tweet and saying “we see things differently.”
Is that a threat?
“No plans,” the company added when asked specifically if Outback was plotting anything nefarious, “other than to bring bold steaks and Bloomin’ Onions to our guests!”
That’s not comforting at all.
David Covucci is the Layer 8 editor at the Daily Dot, covering the intersection of politics and the web. His work has appeared in Vice, the Huffington Post, Jezebel, Gothamist, and other publications. He is particularly interested in hearing any tips you have. Reach out at [email protected]