It’s Nov. 1, and that can only mean one thing: After shaking off their candy hangovers, thousands of aspiring authors around the world are going to embark upon National Novel Writing Month, or #NaNoWriMo—an internet-organized exercise in which people challenge themselves to finish a complete draft of some book-length fiction between now and Dec. 1.
What many of those authors realize (and just as many don’t) is that writing a novel is pretty hard; even Faulkner typically needed a six-week bender to crank out something like The Sound and the Fury. First drafts are often bad, so even the manuscripts that go on to be published will need lots of revision. Every year, though, Weird Twitter revels in the knowledge that countless shitty, unsalvageable opening lines will be written on this date, and to that end, they are inspired to offer their own. And they rule.
Here are the hilariously bad openers from novels we’d actually read:
"Wait! You forgot your lunch!" I shouted to my son Bulbahuman, a human-Bulbasaur hybrid. "Bulbasaur!" added his mother #NaNoWriMoOpeners— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) November 1, 2016
#NaNoWriMoOpeners "It's not easy being a detective," thought John Dog, a detective who is possibly a dog, I haven't thought this through— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) November 1, 2016
Trump chuckled. "You mean the Pussy Emeralds?" #NaNoWriMoOpeners— C. Everett Cope (@cushbomb) November 1, 2016
"Women, No Shave November is FOR US MEN" he typed. He thought his task was done. Little did he know his life would change. #NaNoWriMoOpeners— Andrew Rosin Forever (@tholzerman) November 1, 2016
Wolverine, lion in winter, looked down gruffly/tenderly at the market-tested daughter-proxy who would soon change his life #NaNoWriMoOpeners— Gretchen Felker-Martin (@scumbelievable) November 1, 2016
"I'm horny as hell, must be a side effect of the pregnancy," Waluigi muttered. The baby bowser inside him shifted. #NaNoWriMoOpeners— not voting for Biden, sorry (@rasputinmethod) November 1, 2016
A cold night. A full moon. Rachel Dolezal stares up at it, and begins her transformation into a black woman. #NaNoWriMoOpeners— John Paul Green (@JohnPaulGreen) November 1, 2016
2035: Water is scarce. "Cops" is live and you can vote on what the cops do. Everyone has sheathed red dicks like a dog. #NaNoWriMoOpeners— big time dumb ass (@boring_as_heck) November 1, 2016
"Reece's… For BREAKFAST?" He bellowed.— Dr. J Robert Openhiny (@toddlergarage) November 1, 2016
"You can't have candy for breakfast!"
He pressed the detonator of his suicide vest…#NaNoWriMoOpeners
Jim Dunn was an average guy. The type of guy who'd never be falsely accused of sexual harassment by SJWs. Or so he thought #NaNoWriMoOpeners— la petite bort (@important_celeb) November 1, 2016
Zack knelt down at the grave and wept. As he wiped the tears from his eyes, he vowed revenge. "I'll fix this, Mr. Belding" #NaNoWriMoOpeners— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) November 1, 2016
#NaNoWriMoOpeners "we're goin in!" Tad Yuk hollered from the cockpit. But this was no ordinary mission. You see, Tad was only 13. And racist— mike (@MikeOdenthal) November 1, 2016
It was the best of times. It was some pretty sweet-ass times, as far as times go. Really top notch, Grade-A times. #NaNoWriMoOpeners— Joe Llugar (@singlefileeyes) November 1, 2016
With a sigh of resignation, I dropped the wrench and reached for the phone. My dick was stuck in the sink again. #NaNoWriMoOpeners— plastic age pervert (@Discourse_Stu) November 1, 2016
#NaNoWriMoOpeners— Geoffrey Gauchet (@animatedGeoff) October 31, 2016
“Haha, wow, sorry I haven’t posted in a while! I’m going to try to post every day, or at least once a week”
I gasp, as he pours his cream into my gaping hole. He brings me to his lips and sucks me dry, eliciting a moan. I am a cup #NaNoWriMoOpeners— Reindeercember is over, Cariboucas is here (@LucasTheDrgn) November 1, 2016
The alien burst through the rabbinical student's chest.— HALL! (@TheHallWay1) November 1, 2016
"BRING ME CHARLES BARKLEY," it rasped.#NaNoWriMoOpeners
“Sonic,” Goku says from his hospital bed on the verge of death “You are the only one who can collect the Dragonballs” #NaNoWriMoOpeners— Panel Prep Tony (@tondog) November 1, 2016
Heartening to know that good literature isn’t dead. Even if it has its critics.
All of the above, Saadia. All of the above.