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It’s Nov. 1, and that can only mean one thing: After shaking off their candy hangovers, thousands of aspiring authors around the world are going to embark upon National Novel Writing Month, or #NaNoWriMo—an internet-organized exercise in which people challenge themselves to finish a complete draft of some book-length fiction between now and Dec. 1.
What many of those authors realize (and just as many don’t) is that writing a novel is pretty hard; even Faulkner typically needed a six-week bender to crank out something like The Sound and the Fury. First drafts are often bad, so even the manuscripts that go on to be published will need lots of revision. Every year, though, Weird Twitter revels in the knowledge that countless shitty, unsalvageable opening lines will be written on this date, and to that end, they are inspired to offer their own. And they rule.
Here are the hilariously bad openers from novels we’d actually read:
Heartening to know that good literature isn’t dead. Even if it has its critics.
All of the above, Saadia. All of the above.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'