Nintendo released a preview this week of its upcoming Mario game for the Switch console, Super Mario Odyssey. Odyssey brings many revelations about Mario, including that the beloved Italian plumber is no longer a plumber and, more importantly, that his nipples look like this:
In his 35-plus years of existence, Mario has never been seen without a shirt, and people are freaking the heck out at his little pixelated nipples. Tweet after disbelieving tweet asked, “Whoa, Nintendo, what’re you doing?”
Great, now I know what Mario's nipples look like. pic.twitter.com/OnZhmL7hNR— Mark Serrels (@Serrels) September 13, 2017
dadbod Mario: my thinkpiece, coming soon— brian feldman (@bafeldman) September 13, 2017
Everyone's talking about Mario's nipples but the first thing I noticed was the lack of a belly button, indicating he wasn't of woman born. pic.twitter.com/2vHeUqb3bu— Kieran (@KingImpulse) September 14, 2017
2017: The year we body-shamed Super Mario.
Some, however, felt Nintendo hadn’t gone far enough with topless Mario. They want to see his… uhh… “power-up mushroom.”
Ugh, wake me up when we can see Mario's dick— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) September 13, 2017
Others were more sensible: Wouldn’t it be unusual for Mario, a fictional human being, *not* to have nipples? Maybe this is progress for Nintendo.
dear everyone tweeting about shirtless Mario and his nipples: like, it'd be weird if he DIDN'T have nipples, right?— Samit Sarkar (@SamitSarkar) September 13, 2017
Mario’s nipples are a sign of a more progressive Nintendo. Remember when he used to go to the beach in fucking overalls? What a prude. pic.twitter.com/K1qkrEbjKG— Edmond Tran (@EdmondTran) September 13, 2017
Important questions still remained unanswered. Mario’s nipples are free on Twitter and on the Nintendo Switch, but will they violate Instagram’s infamous anti-nipple policies?
Will mario's nipples get deleted on Instagram— Jamie McKelvie (@McKelvie) September 13, 2017
Furthermore, where are LINK’S nipples? Isn’t the hero of Hyrule human, or at least humanoid?
2017 is the year we learned that canonically Mario has nipples and Link doesn’t pic.twitter.com/cz47qXAtva— Joel Bernstein (@CastIrony) September 13, 2017
mario has nipples and link does not. so what the fuck— Porygon (@PorygonNews) September 13, 2017
Anyway, everything that needs to be said about Mario’s nipples has been said, and we’re all done talking about them.
"marios nipples got ran into the ground within ten minutes and so i'm sick of them" is not a sentence i expected to be true half an hour ago— spacenoid jackson (@headfallsoff) September 13, 2017
It was fun while it lasted, though.