Ever since I saw that weird Marco Rubio video about how “human life won’t become a donkey or a cat,” I knew something strange was up with the Republican presidential hopeful. The pristine white feline on his website looked a little too perfect, and his “pro-life” message was just obscure enough to mask the intentions I have since uncovered.
marcorubio.com
In conducting an investigation into photographs of Rubio, I found strange corollaries in photographs of cats. These cats and Rubio were engaged in the exact same activities—eerie, right? There is only one simple explanation for this uncanny discovery: Marco Rubio is descended from a super race of cats with the ability to shape-shift. Just as the Animorphs series anticipated in 1996 with The Visitor, Rubio and his fellow cat race can transform into cats at any time, as visualized below.
If this weren’t gospel truth, then please explain to me why Rubio wouldn’t want a human life to become “a donkey or a cat”? My guess is he threw “donkey” in there to throw us off trail while giving a nod to his fellow shape-shifting felines, which my research indicates are called Marcats. Below you’ll find damning proof that Rubio is genetically related to cats.
Rubio’s feigned surprise at the unveiling of his official portrait belies the fact that monuments are made to every one of his Marcat race.
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706886770709770241
Rubio’s having a great time in this oversized chair, probably anticipating his evening transformation into a cuddly fetal ball of fur.
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706889099198603264
Why would both Rubio and this cat be interviewed? Cats can’t even talk! (Or can they… ?)
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706949289935679489
A super evolved shape-shifting feline race keeps in touch the same way normal contemporary hominids communicate: with a smartphone.
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706952388364513280
Look, don’t shoot the messenger here, but the evidence is clear: Rubio and Lil Bub are in cahoots.
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706953058240978945
Everyone knows cats love hot dogs because they hate dogs and want to devour anything that makes them consider dogs’ existence, and that abolishing dogs would be a shape-shifting cat politician’s highest priority.
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706953471212134400
A cat and Rubio both ride the subway? That’s some uncanny shit.
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706955199366049792
It is absolutely no simple coincidence that there exists both a picture of Rubio playing football and a picture of a cat playing football.
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706956579271102464
No real human picks up a kid like this, but you know what kind of animal does? That’s right. A cat.
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706958303042011137
Have you ever seen a cat shoot a rifle? I haven’t. You know who loves guns? Rubio. Need I say more?
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706960370976448513
A cat couldn’t care less that it’s raining—it’s used to navigating environmental hazards. The only reason a cat would want an umbrella is if he knew of their existence from moonlighting as a human Republican presidential candidate.
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706946851103121408
My, my, my. Tell, dear reader, what use does a cat have for a water bottle? Unless it knows what it’s like to have hands that can grip, there’s no reason a cat would need or even know about a water bottle. What you see here is a cat who forgot to shift back into human form before indulging his thirst for bottled water.
https://twitter.com/jaygootz/status/706948411321225216
I was not the only researcher who noticed these mysterious similarities. My colleague Feliks Garcia noticed that this cat’s fur is a little too much like human hair in the wind—while Rubio’s hair appears to be quite fluffy.
@jaygootz MUCH BETTER i was just workshopping an idea! pic.twitter.com/DDypR1bHgK
— Feliks Garcia (@feliksjose) March 7, 2016
And there you have it. Marco Rubio’s weird pro-life cat ad explained. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to get back into the Internet trenches so I can figure out Rubio and his Marcats’ master plan for Earth and all its non-cat inhabitants. Our very future depends upon it.
Photo via Moyan Brenn/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)