The finest concealed carry fashion accessories money can buy

concealed carry bra

Fabulous—and fatal.

I think we can all agree that the two most important parts of a college education are packing heat and looking hot. Luckily, thanks to the Texas legislature, college women across the state can finally start doing both. 

As an employee of the largest public university in the state, I’m ready to feel safer with the knowledge that anyone could be carrying a gun at any time, and that they’re armed and ready for the clear and present danger that lurks behind every single syllabus, library book, and desk chair.

Never mind that this will hinder faculty recruitment efforts and require that your school divert funds that could be used for education to the establishment of gun-free zones and infrastructure to support this couldn’t-be-more-necessary initiative. In fact, the only thing more crucial than allowing still-developing, naive young people who can barely drink legally to tote lethal weaponry around is that they look fashionable while doing so.

Before you shop around for serious style accessories though, you’ll have to consider some other women-only concealed carry options, lest you traipse onto campus this fall unprepared for artillery fire.

First things first: You should definitely get your hands—er, paws?—on this woman’s guide to concealed carry. You can tell this will be a helpful guide because the cat is wearing purple eyeshadow, and because women are being compared to trapped animals.

These two accessories not only match (don’t we love things that match, ladiesssss?), but they’re also named and designed after a dance popularized by middle-class courtesans in the 19th century, illustrating a clear connection between the layers of garments can-can dancers wear and the amount of clothing you’ll have to wear in order to actually conceal your daintily-sized weapon.

Your kiss is on my list—and on my ladies-only gun holster:

A totally safe, comfortable, and discreet alternative to storing your gun literally anywhere else:

Like here! Positioning your gun so it points directly at your crotch is how the boys do it!

Now that we’ve covered some basic concealed carry options, it’s time to explore handbag options that really pop.

Hold on to your shitkickers, ladieswhat doesn’t this bag have? This camouflage-, cross-, and rhinestone-riddled purse will let everyone know that you’re great at gaudily blending into your camouflage-, cross-, and rhinestone-patterned surroundings before sneaking up and shooting them in the face.

Space camo! Pretend your gun is a laser!

Show me a person uninterested in the phrase “mock crock” and I’ll show you a person undeserving of a “mock crock rocket” (free gun nickname with purchase).

God bless America (and guns and fashion)! Most gun-toters consider the American flag sacred, but not you! You showed that pathetic piece of cloth who’s boss and turned it into a home for your guns, lipsticks, and tampons. Nothing could be more patriotic or badass.

How could anyone not take you seriously if it’s clear you shot and killed a pink leopard, then flaunted his bedazzled skull as an ornamental trophy?

Leopard-hunting not your bag (pun intended!)? Here’s a purple zebra hide shaped into a purse that is sure to set the shoot-to-kill mood.

DO YOU THINK THE PERSON WHO WOULD CARRY THIS BAG IS INTERESTED IN SNEAKING AROUND AND SHOOTING GUNS?

And what would a concealed carry handbag world look like without the confederate flag? Nothing else equates a time of white entitlement, bigoted oppression, and backwards thinking with concealed carry enthusiasts quite so effortlessly!

Ooh, a deer! A beautiful, noble, stately, non-threatening animal—my favorite kind to gun down in cold blood.

Just another excuse to call attention to the phrase “mock crock”!

Yes, only the “Best Butterfly Hot Pink Concealed Carry Purse Her Wife Fiance” can best demonstrate the precision with which you fire at even the smallest of targets—this taxidermied hot pink butterfly repurposed as a handbag is a steal at $60.

After an arduous day of learning, looking hot, and being prepared to discharge your weapon at a moment’s notice, you’ll need to carve out some time to relax. I’ve always found a classic novel to be a great escape from the chaos of humanity. Mary “Dynk” McDonald’s Concealed is literary fiction at its finest and, most importantly, doesn’t have an agenda:

“It is not an endorsement of a particular brand, type, style, or caliber of handgun, but of the proper education and use of a firearm and the personal choice to legally carry a concealed handgun. However, that choice is not the main focus of the book. This is the story of women, of friends, of family, of faith,” the literary masterwork’s description reads. Amen.

See ya on the front lines! That’s what we’re calling campus now.

Photo via Gerald Rich/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Jené Gutierrez

Jené Gutierrez

Jené Gutierrez is a reporter whose work focuses on feminism, politics, and internet culture.