The quickest way to sell something on Craigslist is to make fun of your intended buyer.
Last Tuesday, Skip Tramontana listed “Orange Crush”—a custom-built fixed gear bike— on the Chicago edition of the classifieds site. But the ad in question wasn’t intended for anyone looking to purchase a quality ad. It was targeting a specific beast: the hipster in dude-bro’s clothing.
“Your abs are courtesy of crossfit and your dimpled smile is courtesy of God’s good grace. You pull wool at Sheffield Garden Walk, Epic, State, Castaways, and the bleachers like a motherfucking sheep herder,” Tramontana’s ad begins, name checking several hot spots that litter the north Chicago neighbrohoods of Lincoln Park and Lakeview, including the famed bleachers at Wrigley Field.
But this is only a facade. Deep down, this imaginary Bro Montana is nothing more than just another hipster who’d rather spend his time gentrifying Humboldt Park or looking for that first edition copy of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest at Myopic Books on Milwaukee Avenue.
That’s totally okay with Tramontana. He’s not there to call you out. In fact, he’s trying to help you keep up this duplicitous charade by selling you his bike.
“It’s the only fixie in the city that scores major hipster cred yet still will look great hanging on the exposed brick wall of your River North loft,” he brags.
“Take it to six corners, and you’ll get ‘nice bike’ from every tattooed lad and lass wearing a ridiculous Danny Ferry Atlanta Hawks jersey and painter’s cap combo you see. And each and every Lululemon cashier chick you score at Paris Club will say the same thing as you escort her through your pad and back to where the ‘magic happens.'”
In the end, the clever ad worked. According to RedEye Chicago, Tramontana—owner of his own boutique ad agency, which, you know, explains everything—sold his bike for $355 (he originally was asking for $300) and a date with the bidder’s co-worker.
The humourous posting came with some backlash from both the scenesters and the brohemians, who replied with unpleasantries. It was eventually taken down, but Tramontana reposted it on Thursday for the amusement of everyone.
“The hipsters were articulate but haughty, and the bros were inarticulate, tended to rely on homophobic slurs, and were easily confused,” he added.
But, hey, who cares. The bike is sold, Tramontana has a date, and he has money to pay the babysitter.
Photo via Skip Tramontana/Craigslist