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This is madness.
OK, so maybe putting peanuts in your collard greens—as Whole Foods was mocked for suggesting early this year—isn’t as ridiculous as we first thought. But it’s hard to imagine making any excuses for this:
Yes, those are collard greens, long considered a relatively inexpensive comfort food you could easily make yourself, available from a luxury clothing store for $66 (plus $15.50 shipping!). They come “fully cooked and frozen,” meaning you simply have to throw them in the oven or microwave, and presto: You’ve got a soggy, insanely overpriced veggie dish with a carbon footprint somewhere in the range of a brand-new 52″ HDTV.
For whom are these greens? Who is preparing them? When did this become something you could spend money on? Does it even matter?
Hang on, it costs $98 total to get this bowl of beans delivered to your house. These beans cost more than Neiman Marcus’ own “stuffed sausage slammers.” I think it should actually be a crime to spend nearly $100 on any amount of beans that lasts you less than six months. Get my case in front of the Supreme Court right now—something is seriously wrong here.
NO. THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS, NEIMAN MARCUS. YOU DON’T GET TO CHANGE THE RULES. IMMEDIATELY DELETE ALL FOOD FROM YOUR WEBSITE AND RESUME SELLING OVERPRICED SHOES. YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF ALL KNOWN CAPITALISM.
You know what? Fine. If you want to try and sell shitty-looking enchiladas for a price somewhere around 40 times what the good ones from the taco truck down the block go for, be my guest, Neiman Marcus. I’ll never understand what you’re trying to prove, or how your cheese suppliers are bilking you so effectively. I’m sure in Trump’s America it’ll be illegal to eat anything but delivered designer meals, so maybe you’re just ahead of the curve. But please know that I will never stop hating everything about this.
Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions, and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'