Hollywood’s biggest night, the Academy Awards, is here. That means actresses in colorful, expensive dresses, actors in various versions of virtually the
same tuxedo, and, yes, a bunch of gold statues will be handed out in order to honor some of the
greatest achievements in film this year.
The Best Picture category this year is loaded with everything from the minimalistic heartbreaker
Room to the bombastic and kick-ass Mad Max: Fury Road. These films were generally met with
high praise, but art is subject to opinion, and in the age of amateur reviews on the Internet,
people can always express those opinions—no matter how illiterate or stoned they may be. We decided to take a look at some very real one-star reviews of this year’s Best Picture nominees on Amazon.
The Big Short
Director Adam McKay managed to turn a hard-to-swallow subject into something not only
understandable but, by most accounts, entertaining. The film boasts an incredible ensemble cast
and currently boasts an 88 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. However, that didn’t keep Amazon user
rwx from stating his differing opinion on the matter, which mostly boils down to his distaste for
cursing. Maybe he’s a hedge fund manager?
In all likelihood, this is the film that will likely finally see Leo get his sorely deserved Oscar, mostly because he did kind of have to get raped by a bear. “As starkly beautiful as it is
harshly uncompromising, The Revenant uses Leonardo DiCaprio’s committed performance as
fuel for an absorbing drama that offers punishing challenges and rich rewards,” was the
general critical consensus for this film. Amazon reviewer dennis did not agree.
Some 92 percent of audiences and critics reported loving Ridley Scott’s space epic, which let Matt Damon do what he does best: become the subject of an expensive rescue mission. But there are people like Amazon user
Brent Singer who clearly fall into that other 8 percent (and also seem to think they are pretty
clever). To Singer’s credit, nine people claimed to find his review helpful.
Bridge of Spies
Speaking of Tom Hanks… he was in Bridge of Spies, and even though the film has about as good
a chance of winning as Leo did up until this year, it’s considered by most to be competent. It’s Spielberg! How bad can it be? (Assuming we ignore Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, that is.) Well, according to Andrew Polk, it
makes for a great sedative.
It doesn’t necessarily matter that Brooklyn is not going to win Best Picture. At the end of the
day, it has a 98 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, because according to critics, “Brooklyn buttresses
outstanding performances from Saoirse Ronan and Emory Cohen with a rich period drama that
tugs at the heartstrings as deftly as it satisfies the mind.” Seriously, how many movies get to
bring out the word “buttresses” in a review? Nevertheless, Brooklyn got an all-caps “LAME” and then some from Steven Carrier.
Typically, a movie will get a lot of points for a knockout performance. This is most definitely the case with Room, as Brie Larson has been the talk of the town ever since
this film came out, and she is almost certainly going home with an Oscar. That
doesn’t mean a damn thing to esteemed Amazon critic and Jennifer Lawrence stalker brazlady, though, because Jennifer Lawrence wasn’t in this movie, and that is the worst crime of all.
“Spotlight gracefully handles the lurid details of its fact-based story while resisting the temptation
to lionize its heroes, resulting in a drama that honors the audience as well as its real-life
subjects.” At least that’s what most critics thought, and it’s
easy to see why. The film has the best ensemble cast of the year, and who doesn’t
like a ripping story about pedophile priests now and again? Amazon user Kjarkent, that’s who.
Mad Max: Fury Road
Last but far from least, we have Mad Max: Fury Road. It is so incredibly rare that a
movie like this ascends from the pit of critical snobbery and winds up garnering such acclaim. Fury Road actually wound up being the most beloved film of 2015. It’s straight
up balls-to-the-wall action, it’s a feminist achievement, and lots of shit blows up. What’s not to
like? Not surprisingly, plenty of Amazon reviewers had answers for that.
The lesson here? It’s OK to be wrong—even on the Internet.
Photo Davidlohr Bueso/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)