You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll cringe at this awful college application essay

The popular subreddit r/tifu (aka “Today, I F**ked Up”) received a post Tuesday night that may hold historical significance. Redditor “bedwetter95” went against the “Today” portion of the subreddit’s name and posted a college application essay that he’d written last year. Why did it take an entire year for him to share his essay? Shame.

Yes, pure, unadulterated shame—the kind that not even a throwaway Reddit account can fully wash away. His essay is so bad that it might even be a groundbreaking new form of writing—that is, if people couldn’t distinguish between avant garde and really bad.

The writer’s unnamed college of choice told applicants to write about an experience in high school that affected their decision to pick this particular college. According to bedwetter95, these “were the exact words written on the application” (and we’re assuming the exact formatting, too—one long paragraph):

“Prodip Goldman was a quiet kid in High School, he never had many friends and he never acquired any pussy. Prodip’s nights would mainly consist of smoking large amounts of doritos flavored weed and starting YouTube comment wars until 4 in the morning. One particular Autumn day while walking home from school, Prodip set a goal, and his goal was to snatch up some pussy inb4 Winter break. As weeks went on, Prodip was sitting at lunch and overheard a couple of the cool kids talking about weed, and they were thinking about getting a huge shipment of some super good shit for an insane house party during the weekend. Prodip grew some balls and went over to the group and mumbled, “I can hook yall up with some dorito flavored loud for the party.” As surprised as they were to hear that, the cool kids were down. Though Prodip continued, “But, only on one occasion, you guys gotta hook me up with some mad pussy at the party.” One kid in the group named Quan said “Ayy bruh we got tons of model bitches comin’ thru, they be down to fuck long as you hook em up with that dorito dank na’mean?.” After lunch was over, Prodip ran to the bathroom squealing in excitement about the pussy he would acquire at the party, and immediately called up Ron, his dealer.”

“I was pretty baked when I wrote this and submitted it,” bedwetter95 wrote on Reddit, “and I deeply regretted it after I realized it was sent.” 

We’re going to assume that he used the word “baked” loosely here, as it would most likely require some sort of tranquilizer, in a dosage high enough to sedate a medium-sized moose, to write and then actually send this block of text to the college that you hoped would launch your life and career.

And what college might that be, anyway? Well, Berkeley Lab—managed by U.C. Berkeley—employs a scientist by the name of “Prodip,” while the U.C. Berkeley campus employs a professor by the name of “Goldman.” It’s a stretch, but perhaps the essay’s writer named its protagonist by randomly pointing at the U.C. Berkeley directory. Goldman is common enough, but Prodip is not a name you run across everyday in the United States. Prodip could also be an allusion to this company, but that seems unlikely.

If this essay is real, and the college was Berkeley—or an institution of similar prestige—we can understand why it took a year for bedwetter95 to speak openly about his essay. It resulted in both a rejection letter and “a notice attached to it from the local police department saying [he] was not allowed on their school grounds for any reason.”

The “95” in his username aligns with the birth year of someone who would have applied to college last year, but we’ll need more hard evidence to prove that this is the all-time worst college application essay.

So far, the only comment that the throwaway account made was “I appreciate my all of my fans,” in response to the question “Are you the product of inbreeding?” 

We’ll be sure to keep you updated if more proof shows up. Real or fake, though, the post has already been cross-posted to r/copypasta, meaning it’s now a piece of Internet history. Still, it would be nice to have the sort of photographic evidence that this all-time greatest high-school report included—in particular, a photo of the notice that the local police department allegedly sent him.

H/T BroBible | Photo via Coty Grissom/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

Joey Keeton

Joey Keeton

Joey Keeton is an entertainment writer who reviewed streaming movies, comedies, and TV series for the Daily Dot. He's also written about podcasts, bizarre web culture, and politics.