An interview with the best bagel on Twitter

As a journalist, every now and then you score an interview so potentially career-changing, you can’t help but freak out. For me, that interview was with Twitter’s coolest bagel, the Simple Bagel.

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Before interviewing Simple Bagel, I had some trepidation: Would she be as charming as her Twitter presence suggests? Would she recognize that my love for bagels is genuine and runs deep?

In honor of National Bagel Day (which is today), I caught up with this comical carb to find out more about how she’s celebrating this special day, her greatest fears, and if she’s spending Valentine’s Day alone.

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Happy National Bagel Day! How are you celebrating? 

staring into the blank void

When were you first baked into existence? 

you know how the caveman invented the wheel??? jokes on you that was a bagel

How did you find out about Twitter? 

im a bagel im not 85

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I know you’re a simple bagel, but are you a particular flavor? Sesame? Cinnamon Raisin? 

that’s a little rude??

You’re very introspective for a simple carb. Where do you draw your inspiration? 

I cant draw because i’m literally a circle

You say in your bio that you’re “a simple bagel with a not so simple dream.” What is your dream? 

sometimes i dream about this one ant i saw when i was sitting on the counter

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What do you most like to have on top of you? Cream cheese? Lox? 

a lot of money

What would you say to a person who complains that bagels have too many carbs? 

i’m literally a zero which means zero carbs

What’s your favorite movie? 

the hannah montana & miley cyrus: best of both worlds 3d concert 2 disc extended edition. 

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Are you single? 

i guess you could say i have a baegel haha just kidding i’m so alone

I don’t encourage cannibalism, but if you had to eat another bagel, what kind would it be? 

one time i thought about licking a crust piece off the floor but i dont have a tongue 

In my opinion, the best bagels are in New York. Agree or disagree? 

i feel like ur trying to get me to taste a bagel……………?

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Fill in the blank: The world would be a better place if _____. 

toasters were illegal

What is your greatest fear? 

id say toasters but i don’t want to give them that power

Thoughts on bialys? 

id prefer not to say. but if i did i’d say they’re posers and not to be trusted.

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I also asked Simple Bagel if she had any questions for humanity. She only had one:

why?

Photo via saragoldsmith/Flickr (CC 2.0)

Marisa Kabas

Marisa Kabas

Marisa Kabas is a lifestyle reporter and activist. Her work has been published by Fusion, Fast Company, and Today. She’s also served as an editorial campaigns director for Purpose PBC, a social movement incubator.