As many people are with porn, so am I with moon videos. I want them amateur and real.
On YouTube, it’s easy to fall into a weird, niche video K-hole. Watch one bizarre video, find another on the sidebar that looks interesting, watch that video, and pretty soon you’re clicking on videos for collages and conspiracy theories and kittens and who knows what else. When I find a trove of homemade videos about a seemingly mundane topic, I will watch a ton of them (see: fireplaces). But I’ll also look into the video’s maker and read through all the comments.
This weird YouTube journey took me to videos of the moon. What could possibly be that weird about videos of the moon? Oh, a whole lot. As many people are with porn, so am I with moon videos. I want them amateur and real. I want shaky cam and all.
Here’s the thing: We were given the Internet, an amazing tool, and we were given YouTube, a service where we can find videos on practically any topic, and then we were just let loose to be our strange selves. Case in point: the bizarre world of YouTube moon videos.
“One Year of the Moon IN 2.5 Minutes”
I mean, right? This has 46 Likes. FORTY. SIX.
“But have you ever really LOOKED at the moon, man? I mean, really looked? Pass the dutch.”
“Something Is Wrong With the Moon”
This video is a much-needed response to some crazy YouTuber who thinks the moon, sun, and Earth look normal. And cue the dramatic music! And around 1:40 it really ramps up the heavy metal guitar and the fast cuts of the moon bathed in shadow. It’s basically an Evanescence video.
This guy knows what I’m talking about!
Mr. Graham, you are not only an amateur astronomer, you are an expert at talking to no one:
Never mind. Jack Mars has solved this mystery:
“MOON..NOT RIGHT!! MUST SEE…(HD)….!”
(This one won’t embed, probably because the government’s out to get its maker.)
This guy, named MayanResearcher, likes to put ominous music behind his videos of the moon. He zooms in and out on the moon for three to five minutes and then throws some text up in which he tells us our “souls are screaming” and that we should “get ready and follow our hearts.” The dark clouds in front of the moon? Are chemicals. The video has over 588,000 views and 645 likes.
First of all, someone loves the music:
“Spielberg’s Death Star.” Just. I can’t.
Everyone knows the moon is just a projection, right? Oh, you didn’t know that?
Oh I see, so there’s a mothership on the moon. Of course!
“Strange Shift and Shadows on The Moon UFOs?”
We are all dumb. Because of the moon.
Wait. Someone else is looking at videos of odd moons? Uh, slider2732, do you wanna, uh, get coffee sometime?
“Strange Moon February 6, 2011”
This one has a great voiceover wherein Mr. Galleria explains that he’s been observing the moon since 2003. At first, he was just mildly concerned but now he’s convinced things are way bad. “The Earth is shifting a lot,” he repeats. It’s alarming.
Luckily this commenter comes to the rescue against the haters.
“Something With the Moon”
A bit off topic? A bit?
NegativeKarma has some negative karma to work out.
Good work, bro.
This guy, Guy Tremblay, comments a lot on moon videos. Here, he tells us why this is obviously a scam in his signature snarky tone:
“What’s Up With the Moon?”
YodadogProductions is worried. According to Google, the moon should look one way on January 7, 2011, but alas: It’s… turned on its side, but looks pretty much the same. BUT WHY IS IT ON ITS SIDE, HUH? Then it’s just three more full minutes of video of the moon set to lilting instrumental music.
Let’s get to the bottom of this right now!
“Polar Shifts CAUGHT ON CAMERA”
The best part of a lot of these videos is the music, but this one also has dramatic scrolling Star Wars-esque text telling of a polar shift in 2010 that “no one human could ignore.” After noticing an “egg-shaped” moon one night, user Roxy Lopez began photographing and studying the moon. This video contains her very scientific findings and some screeching violins.
Obama’s not from Kenya! He’s from the moon!
Probably until Obama’s out of office, right? Am I right?
Brilliant, Brenda. Just brilliant.
So what makes the Moonies such luna-tics? People have worshipped the moon as a deity since religion’s beginning as a symbol of the cycle of life and the beauty of the universe. It’s personified in children’s books like Goodnight Moon and in kooky TV shows like The Mighty Boosh. The moon is welcoming. The moon is mysterious. American humans planted our flag on it in 1969, but humanity can’t claim to “own” the moon. And without it, Earth’s tides would overflow, women’s periods would go apeshit, and nighttime would be really spookily dark. And then it just shines really prettily over us.
Amateur moon videography is so abundant because the moon is still, after all this time, fascinating and unknown. It’s natural for people to want to “study” the moon—we see it almost every night, cloaked in shadow, with a past we haven’t quite uncovered. The moon was one of the first bodies famed astronomer Galileo Galilei mapped in his telescopic drawings. People scoffed at his work, too—just like how conspiracy theorists insist that the moon is a government projection or that it holds evidence to the world’s end.
Now we have YouTube, a bunch of “amateur Galileos” inspecting every crater and mountain, speculating on what’s really up there around and on our world’s only natural satellite. Just like people have always done. Only now with Internet comments instead of parchment.
Image via plakboek/Flickr
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