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Photo via Elvert Barnes/Flickr (CC-BY)
Never, ever go here.
Times Square is often referred to as the “Crossroad of the World,” which is correct in that if we live a hellish, brutalist existence and humanity is the scourge of the planet, and nowhere else best exemplifies that. It is the single most awful place on the planet, the nexus of everything that needs to be expunged from Earth. It is also packed to the brim with chain restaurants, each one seething with a critical mass of uncouth tourists.
So when writer Joe Wadlington went on a date with someone who said they were a former manager at the Olive Garden in Times Square, naturally, he had a few questions. Then he went home and tweeted it all.
It is a tale that is utterly American and yet, at the same time, wholly foreign. Honestly, it’s fascinating.
I went on a date last night and the guy meekly shared that he used to be THE GENERAL MANAGER FOR THE TIMES SQUARE OLIVE GARDEN.
— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Clearly, he'd seen some shit. So the next hour and a half was me asking questions. I tried to do y'all right.
— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Q Did y'all ever run out of breadsticks? If so what happened?
A Yes. Twice. Worst shifts of my life. People were angry, kept telling us "no"— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
"They kept saying, 'OLIVE GARDEN DOESNT DO THAT, our Olive Garden, in Ohio, doesn't do that."
— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Q: Was everyone from Ohio?
A: Brazil, Puerto Rico, & Ohio. The foreigners I understood. They'd grown up watching O.G. commercials.— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Q: National pricing or city pricing?
A: City pricing. It made no sense why the Americans were there. They were paying 3x for the same food.— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
A: How big is it?
Q: Three floors. It may be the biggest Olive Garden in the world. The wait was always 2 hours. Our last seating was at 2AM— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Note: I think he may have been trying to impress me here.
Note, note: It worked.— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Q: What was the most popular dish?
A: The tour of Italy
Q: What?
A: It's a plate of lasagna, a chicken parmesan, & one fettuccine alfredo— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Q: That's too much food for one person
A: It's too much food for three people
Q: How much?
A: Maybe $25— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Q Did anyone order the unlimited soup/salad/breadsticks and stay for 8 hours?
A Why would someone do that?
Q You said they were Americans.— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
A: Not on my shifts. But if someone wanted to, Olive Garden would not let us remove them. They are "family" and would be allowed to eat.
— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Q: That's really good to know.
A: People can't eat that much bread.
[I started laughing because he's wrong]— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Q: What's the weirdest thing that ever happened?
A: Oh, there was a knife fight.
Q: Tell me everything.
A: Two women. They came together.— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Q: Steak knives? Like the knives from the table or BYOK?
A: From the table. So, it started out as a fist fight and the other manger pulled— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
them apart and put one in the elevator going down to the 1st floor. They were on the third floor. The 2nd woman broke away and ran down the
— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Stairs. She stopped the elevator on the 2nd floor and grabbed a knife off someone's table.
A: someone else's knife?!
Q: yes— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
Q: So only one woman had a knife.
A: The other woman picked up a knife off a different table. So the other manager, he was a huge guy, 6'6"— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
ran down there and pulled them apart again. They were on the first floor at this point. And he threw them out into the street. So they could
— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
deal with it out there.
Q: Did they still have the knives?
A: No, he took them.
Q: Did he give them breadsticks?
A: What? No.
Q: Sorry.— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
A: What happened after that?
Q: I don't know. They were outside, so they weren't our problem anymore
A: Would you say they're still "family"— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
A: No.
Q: Wait. You said the shifts where you ran out of breadsticks were the worst. Worse than the shift with a knife fight?— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
A: You may be surprised, but yes, Olive Garden running out of breadsticks is worse than a knife fight.
Q: No, I totally get it.— Joe Wadlington (@JoeWadlington) April 19, 2017
https://twitter.com/JoeWadlington/status/854747467593560064
I would suggest if you really want to soak it in, you visit the Times Square Olive Garden. But please, for the sake of your own mental health, do not go alone, and at least try to prepare for the possibility of there being no breadsticks.
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