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Photo via ian.plumb/Flickr (CC-BY)
You can’t get online after you die, but the Smart Coffin Twitter account will let you know how stupid it would be if you could.
“No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away.” So wrote Terry Pratchett in his 1991 novel Reaper Man and, by that definition, he’s still very much alive.
So the question then becomes, how do you keep causing those ripples? Well if we’ve learned anything from the president of the United States, Twitter seems like the best way to make waves. It’s just too bad there’s no way to stay online from beyond the grave… or is there?
No. There isn’t. But there is a Twitter account for a smart coffin, one that lets you continue posting to Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat after you’re dead and buried. It may not be a real product, but it’s really fun to read and, for now anyway, that will have to do.
Surprise ur friends–keep liking their shitty instas after you die
— Smart Coffin (@SmartCoffin) July 21, 2017
I offer protection from most email viruses & organisms seeking to devour your lifeless body
— Smart Coffin (@SmartCoffin) July 23, 2017
your cemetery must offer high-speed internet to watch HBO GO on Smart Coffin, srry!
— Smart Coffin (@SmartCoffin) July 16, 2017
shot on Smart Coffin's 12 megapixel camera w image stabilization pic.twitter.com/XYUAo0DPnb
— Smart Coffin (@SmartCoffin) July 11, 2017
We got a chance to talk with the Robert Abare, creator of the Smart Coffin, or rather the Twitter account for the Smart Coffin, via email, and here’s what he had to say for himself:
Daily Dot: What made you decide to start a Twitter account for a coffin?
Robert Abare: A number of things. I have a friend who Snapchats literally everything–his work poops, his pizza slices, sometimes eating a pizza while pooping. He even gave me his password so I can continue snapping for him in case he died. So I figured, if he did die, this guy could definitely use something to help him continue posting in the afterlife–like a Smart Coffin! I was also a big fan of @SelfAwareROOMBA (since deactivated) on Twitter, so I figured I’d create Smart Coffin in social media parody form.
How often do people think this is a real product?
Very rarely, which I guess is a good sign that people aren’t lining up to tweet after they die.
What’s the best reaction you’ve had so far?
I was informed of a real business called “See Me Rot” that actually installs webcams in coffins. But upon Googling, it looks like another hoax. At least it seems I’m following in a long tradition of fake death tech.
What’s your favorite of your tweets?
Before you die remember that SmartCoffin is only coffin w Taylor Swift music library
— Smart Coffin (@SmartCoffin) June 23, 2017
Because if Taylor Swift actually offered music via coffin, she’d definitely be picky about which one she partnered with.
What do you want to happen to your body after you die?
I think it would be awesome to be cryogenically frozen a la Walt Disney and then revived once The Bachelor is finally canceled after 200 seasons and multiple cast member fatalities. I’d probably go without having my frozen corpse tweet, though.
What do you want to happen to your soul after you die?
Reincarnation would be cool. Would love to be a dolphin!
If you could tweet from the afterlife what would be the first thing you’d send?
I’d finally tell my friend that her introspective Instagram captions are horrendously long and make everyone cringe.
If there was one famous dead person who could tweet to us from beyond the grave, who would you pick and why?
Anyone but Donald Trump, please. Maybe Bernie Mac, because I miss him so much.
Which do you think would be more likely to have internet access, heaven or hell?
Hell, of course! Pornhub probably partners with Satan to boost streaming speed.
Anything else people should know about Smart Coffins?
As fun as this thing is to joke about, I hope the “internet of things” never reaches our afterlives. Dumb wooden boxes are the smartest options, people.
David Britton is a writer and comedian based in Rhinebeck, New York who focuses on internet culture, memes, and viral news stories. He also writes for the Hard Times and is the creator of StoriesAboutWizards.com.