The road to the F*ckboy Four begins here.
It’s time for the third annual Shittiest Account on Twitter Tournament, and the 2016 competition is shaping up to be the shittiest ever. Thanks to a year of toxic political debate, the field is absolutely stacked across the spectrum. Let’s take a look at the bracket as the year’s most terrible accounts begin their march toward the Fuckboy Four:
The first thing you’ll notice is that there’s a shit-in matchup to determine the 16 seeds. Thanks to a fan vote that ended this week, the contenders now include Michael Ian Black and aggressive Trump stan “Baked Alaska.”
The four regions of the tournament have traditionally been broken down by theme, and 2016 is no exception.
In the “headass” region, dominated by vocal Hillary Clinton supporters, the top seeds include former Jeopardy! champ and performatively woke male Arthur Chu, chronic Twitter arguer Oh No She Twitnt, and Vox.com hot-taker Matt Yglesias. Also in this region is Weird Twitter stalwart Dril, who many feel has finally overplayed his schtick.
The “cuck” region is dominated at the top by pro-Trump conservatives, starting with No. 1 seed Mike Cernovich, one of the best-known advocates of Gamergate and the white supremacist alt-right. With Breitbart’s Milo Yiannopoulos banned from Twitter, Cernovich is the odds-on favorite here.
Also in this region: Joe “Grab Your Musket” Walsh, former Vice reporter Michael Tracey, and former celebrity Scott Baio.
As much as it craps on the alt-right and their media enablers, the Shit Account Tournament has plenty of room for liberals, as well. Over in the “Patreon” region, you’ll find a selection of woke feminists, including writers Sady Doyle, Amanda Marcotte, and game developer Brianna Wu. Matt McGorry, former male feminist icon, is also featured here. So is scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson, whose know-it-all attitude was especially unwelcome this year.
Finally, we come to the “spirit cooking” region, named after a leaked John Podesta email. The theme here seems to be sports people and celebrities who tweet too much.
Unsurprisingly, the top seed is Dilbert creator Scott Adams, scorned for his support of Trump and his continued insistence on his own genius. Spirit Cooking is also where you’ll find failed white rapper Lena Dunham, comedian Amy Schumer, and the oft-mocked 1999 band Smash Mouth.
Sports men Bill Simmons, Skip Bayless, and Jason Whitlock help fill out the middle of the bracket.
No matter who you are or what your viewpoint, you will find at least a few accounts here that strike you as unbearably shitty. Who will join the ranks of past winners Chuck Johnson (now banned from Twitter) and the Tweet of God (mercifully retired)?
Voting begins Friday on Twitter. It’s anyone’s game at this point, and you can only hope that the winner will finally log off.
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