- Reddit links leaked trade deal documents to Russian campaign Today 10:44 AM
- How to stream Alistair Overeem vs. Jairzinho Rozenstruik Today 8:30 AM
- Amazon sends customers condoms and soap instead of Nintendo Switch Today 8:28 AM
- How to live stream Jermall Charlo vs. Dennis Hogan Today 8:00 AM
- Apple TV’s ‘Truth Be Told’ is a criminally dull drama Today 6:00 AM
- Thousands of Uber users have reported sexual assaults, company says Friday 5:40 PM
- ‘Astronomy Club’ reformats the sketch show Friday 4:58 PM
- Trump is concerned America’s toilets too weak Friday 3:53 PM
- Twitter users claim Billie Eilish is ‘over’ because she didn’t like Lady Gaga’s meat dress Friday 2:53 PM
- Nikki Haley says the Confederate flag was fine until Dylann Roof ‘hijacked’ it Friday 2:49 PM
- How emotional labor discourse spawned multiple memes Friday 2:22 PM
- Video of YouTuber Onision threatening ex-girlfriend resurfaces Friday 2:03 PM
- Marianne Williamson embraces anti-vax stance on Facebook Friday 1:58 PM
- Peloton Husband is worried memes will have ‘repercussions’ for his career Friday 1:55 PM
- ‘The Mandalorian’ stumbles as it returns to a familiar planet Friday 1:47 PM
Serena Williams takes down dude who stole her phone
This guy had no idea what he was getting into.
Everyone knows that Serena Williams is the greatest athlete of all time. But did you know she also moonlights as a the greatest superhero of all time?
On her Facebook page today, Serena “The Goddess” Williams shared a harrowing story of how a classy dinner at a Chinese restaurant turned into a thrilling high-speed foot chase. She explained that while sitting with her pal—probably discussing superwomen pastimes—her spidey senses began to tingle, as a man was sitting way too close to her majesty.
What an idiot. Dude probably didn’t see the diamond aura surrounding her loveliness. Or he thought she was just another earthly being. A mortal would’ve let him take the cell phone and eaten the hefty iPhone replacement fees. But not SERENA “THE GREAT ONE” WILLIAMS. NOT TODAY, SATAN. This is the woman who has won 21 singles Grand Slams. This is the woman who climbed her way out of Compton to dominate the snootiest country club sport known to man. This is the woman who single-handedly reminded the nation that strength is sexy. She is constantly proving people wrong, and she’s been training all her life to beat that ass if someone disrespects her crown.
No surprise, the best athlete in the intergalactic stratosphere was able to catch up to the garden-variety crook and stomp him out. (Just kidding, she would never do that to a mere human. Serena Williams is far too classy to get blood on her Louboutins.) Nay, what she did next was straight from the superhero code of conduct. She told him that he took the wrong phone.
THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER. YOU GRABBED THE WRONG PHONE. YOU PICKED THE WRONG INVINCIBLE, BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, PERFECT, MAGICAL, CELESTIAL, BLACK WOMAN TO MESS WITH.
It’s not clear what happened to the thief after the ordeal. And it doesn’t really matter. Serena Williams ended this saga with words of wisdom. She advised: “Just because you are a lady don’t be afraid to step up to any challenge and not be a victim but a hero!”
If there is one lesson we should take away from this story (other than the very obvious one about never fucking with Serena Williams) it’s that Serena is a deity among us, and we’re lucky to see her in her prime.
Ziwe Fumudoh is a writer and comedian. Her work has appeared in the Onion and Reductress, and she is a co-host at Crooked Media.