Ryan Lochte’s incredible dog has entirely stopped aging

U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, a man with a jumping banana inside his head, isn’t known for his ability to organize his thoughts, focus on what’s going on around him, or even remember how many medals he’s won. But he knows how old his dog, Carter, is: 8 years old. 

And Ryan tweets it every year. 

Something’s not quite adding up here. Carter the dog has been eight years old for three consecutive years, something that’s hard to explain unless: time travel? Fountain of youth? Or: Ryan Lochte bad at math.

Lochte seems to have lost track of his dog’s age, and some people apparently follow his doggie birthday tweets closely enough that they noticed the discrepancy. So how old is Carter really, barring some accident of weird, time-bending science?

Probably 9 years old. The one time Lochte mentioned a specific birthdate for Carter, it was in 2007. And when he corrected his tweet over the weekend after being called out on it by dog age truthers, he changed Carter’s age to 9. 

Lochte has lied, misremembered, or told half-truths to get out of bad situations in the past, though. There’s no telling how deep this ageless dog conspiracy goes, or what else the government could be hiding in Ryan Lochte’s reliably unreliable brain. 

What’s the alternative? Believing a man forgot his beloved dog’s age multiple times over a period of years? Ooooh-kay, whatever you say. 

Jay Hathaway

Jay Hathaway

Jay Hathaway is a former senior writer who specialized in internet memes and weird online culture. He previously served as the Daily Dot’s news editor, was a staff writer at Gawker, and edited the classic websites Urlesque and Download Squad. His work has also appeared on nymag.com, suicidegirls.com, and the Morning News.