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It’s previously been established that the men featured in Reddit’s relationship advice sub are the worst, but the man featured in a now-deleted post has managed to take being awful in a truly innovative direction.
“My (25m) bf had angered crows and magpies and now they’re defecating on my car,” reads the title of a post by former user TheEarthquakeLady.
The body of the post, archived by the Twitter account @redditships, tells the story of how the user’s boyfriend managed to upset the birds:
Long story short, my boyfriend managed to anger the local bird population by throwing stuff at them and killing two of their kind. This has caused a lot of tension between me and my boyfriend as they started to swarm and attack us, shit on our car, and be extremely loud in the morning.
For some strange and unspecified reason, the user’s boyfriend likes to throw things at birds, and apparently with such force and accuracy that he’s managed to kill two of them. Unfortunately for him, he’s picked the wrong species to harass as corvids, a family that includes both magpies and crows, are renowned not just for being intelligent but also remarkably vengeful. Crows can not only recognize human faces but are able to identify dangerous or enemy humans to other crows even in that person’s absence, and will do so to all other crows within a large geographical radius. Magpies, meanwhile, are well-known for the fearless rage and tendency to attack human beings who are just going about minding their own business, and they will hold grudges for generations.
Of all the bird families this dude could try to intimidate, it was the corvids?— Mike K 🇪🇺🇦🇹 (@mpk) August 10, 2019
People were overwhelmingly focused on how this wasn’t a post asking for advice on breaking up with the man.
So this isnt about how to get out of a relationship with someone who murders small animals for fun, aka the early signs of a serial killer— Erica Henderson (@EricaFails) August 10, 2019
nature itself is telling you to dump your boyfriend and you still have the need to ask people on reddit— Winter (@slagtoth) August 10, 2019
I feel like the tension with your boyfriend should be caused by the wanton killing of neighborhood birds— zane (@ImZaneSinclair) August 10, 2019
Listen to the crows. Throw the whole boyfriend away.— Kori Klinzing 💖💜💙🌟 (@dante_alicheery) August 10, 2019
Sacrifice him to the birds....— visfor (@visforvan) August 10, 2019
Some of the suggestions went a bit far.
Like most r/relationships posts, this is a problem that can only be resolved by murdering your boyfriend and feeding him to a flock of vengeful birds.— KingMe (@KingMe50749634) August 11, 2019
Sacrifice him. I don’t make the rules. Just straight up Midsommar this thing.— Kimberly Anne (@QuirKAnneSnark) August 10, 2019
You gotta sacrifice him in front of them the next time they swarm. Only then will the blood debt be paid.— BabblingBunny 🐰 (@BabblingBunny) August 10, 2019
And others were less than helpful.
Put out a row of really nice tiny portajohns?— Dance: 0.10 Looks: 3 (@Andrew_3000) August 10, 2019
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS— Knee Hawk (@tnehoc) August 10, 2019
Sorry to inform you, but he's been cheating with a witch and she just found out she's his side chick. pic.twitter.com/ACF7PQ1q1A— ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉ ᵇⁱʳᵈʰᵒᵘˢᵉ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ˢᵒᵘˡ (@exfatalist) August 10, 2019
One helpful redditor even went ahead and fixed her post for her, with the title “My (25m) bf is a psychopath who kills crows and magpies and now they’re defecating on my car.”
In all seriousness, hurting animals is a big red flag for future domestic violence as well as other violent crimes. Hopefully, OP will leave him and find a safer situation.
Hurting small animals is common amongst men who go on to hurt women.— Parrhizzia🇺🇸🇦🇺 (@parrhizzia) August 10, 2019
Siobhan Ball is a historian, archivist, and journalist. She also writes for Autostraddle and bi.org