Klovovi/Flickr

Man accidentally pleasures self to photo of his grandmother

It's like Oedipus but impossibly stupid and about masturbation.

 

Spike Friedman

Internet Culture

Published Jun 15, 2015   Updated May 28, 2021, 2:05 pm CDT

Reddit user NeverPunchALion answered the question “What’s the worst thing you did as a horny teen?” with an answer so horrifying that the tale is best told as Greek tragedy rather than the message board post it originally existed as. That said, here’s the post… if you want to avoid spoilers, don’t click on that link.

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Redditpus Rex

Characters:

NEVERPUNCHALION: A cool guy who posts on Reddit.

MOTHER: Neverpunchalion’s mother.

CHORUS 

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Scene one: 

CHORUS:
A Redditor who would never punch a lion

Was home alone and found himself trying

To satisfy a most extreme super horniness

But the Internet was down.
O gods above! What a mess! 

NEVERPUNCHALION:

My male bathing area demands satisfaction

Quickly! Post haste!

But the Internet is the only path I know

To making my O-Face

That said— I’ve heard a tale of olden times

When pictures did suffice for self-gratification
But where would nudie pictures be?

In this home? My home? The home of my family?

Perhaps an attic shall I seek. 

CHORUS:

Foolish boy, who laughed at fate
Climbed his ladder up from the floor and
Into the attic of destiny.
Soon he found himself face to face
With sepia-toned photos of lowest cut
bathing clothes.
O cruel fates! 

NEVERPUNCHALION:

Those boobs! O! Those boobs!

Those boobs move me in ways erotic

But the face is troubling—

Forget that, the boobs are too hypnotic! 

CHORUS:

My dear boy, pause! 

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NEVERPUNCHALION:

No! I am super horny. 

CHORUS:

We speak for fate.

Consider this and hesitate.

NEVERPUNCHALION:
Nah, still super horny. 

[Neverpunchalion pleasures himself]

NEVERPUNCHALION:

Damn, still super horny.

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CHORUS:
Don’t, man, come on. 

NEVERPUNCHALION:

Still gonna do it.
[Neverpunchalion pleasures himself again, passes out in his attic] 

Scene two: 

CHORUS:

O shame. Great shame! Greatest shame!

Great shame upon a great family name!

You have no idea what you’ve wrought

And now your family’s now back home
with a cat they bought 

MOTHER:
Neverpunch a lion, dear,
my glorious son—
What are these photos lying here?

What ever have you done? 

NEVERPUNCHALION:
I wasn’t pleasuring myself mother!

If you think I was, it was my brother!

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MOTHER:

What? 

CHORUS:

Say nothing, Never Punch! 

NEVERPUNCHALION:

Nothing. 

CHORUS:

Good boy.
If only we could protect you

From the information to come. 

MOTHER:
I was talking about these family photo albums

Look at them with me.

That’s your grandmother with the boobs
that hang pendulously 

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NEVERPUNCHALION:

[aside]

Aaaiiii, aaaiii . . . Alas! Alas!

How miserable I am… such wretchedness…

I pleasured myself to the image

Of my mother’s mother who birthed
my mother who then birthed me!
Where do I go? How can the wings of air
sweep up my voice?
O my destiny,
how far you have sprung now!

[to Mother]

Cool, cool. I say that’s cool. 

CHORUS:

But it was not cool.
And Neverpunch
did never tell this horrifying story.

A cursed secret like this one

Must be kept under tightest of wraps.

Until some guy posted something on Reddit.

Then he said the whole thing immediately.
Is there a moral?
Yes.
Don’t buy cats.
Adopt cats.

[end of play]

Photo via Klovovi/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

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*First Published: Jun 15, 2015, 11:10 pm CDT