This Craigslist psychic is like a palm reader, but for boobs

Taking a page from the Karen Smith playbook (her breasts can tell when it’s raining!), a modern philanthropist is offering one hell of a service to lucky ladies in New York: free psychic breast readings. 

Not palm readings. Breast readings.

The Craigslist post originally appeared a week ago, under the men-seeking-women personals section. It’s titled “Enjoy the experience of a Psychic Breast-reading – 48 ( surprisingly accurate).” 

Perhaps with the change of season you are wondering what will stand out for you in the days ahead. Luckily, I have found a revealing way to probe into and behold such mysteries. 

Now I’m not a great mind reader, and I can’t interpret your palm, read a Tarot card layout, or fathom what leaves left in a teacup want to say. However, I am able to “read” a woman’s breasts, and — by delving into this significant territory — gain insight into your Happiness, Success and even Romance. 

If this sounds like magic to you, that’s how it feels to me!

I found this skill a number of years ago, merely by good luck. Out of the blue, I remarked to a partially clad companion, “Did you know I can read your breasts?” “You can?” she responded, “ok — go ahead.” So I did, and thereby began a journey of increasing insight into these too often under-explored areas which contain such major potential. Of course, it’s natural to be skeptical — as I was at first — but it’s wound up as an authentic and at the same time definitely enjoyable experience. 

A full reading — which is also by the way free — goes beyond the visual, and uses various elements and styles of touch. It may take 90 minutes or more, although a briefer “speed-reading” can also be somewhat worthwhile. 

Here are a few actual testimonials: 

— “Wonderful attention and touch.” 

— “That was extraordinary!” 

— “A very relaxing, sensual time.” 

— “I had a very enjoyable time on many levels. It was really lovely.” 

Intrigued, I reached out with a few questions—things like how he discovered his unique talent, the methodology, and whether he’s an equal-opportunity masseur, or if his talents were only limited to women. This is the response I received from the man who identified himself only as “D.”

I only read women’s breasts.

So if you qualify I will be happy to do yours.

If you will be doing this it is better not to explain the reading aspects ahead of time. I can answer some other questions ahead of time.

I discovered this over 20 years ago while still in my 20s. I have probably done over 50 readings. D.

Well then. 

Skeptics might say that given the gender exclusivity, this man is nothing more than a cheap pervert. Then again, he’s asking nothing in return, and it’s a generous offer: well over an hour of fondling and foreseeing. Who knows what secrets of your future you might unlock if you let a solid motorboat sneak into your session?

I’m more than 3,000 miles away from his stomping grounds, and when I told him I was a reporter, I received no response back. (He must be busy, right?) An intrepid soul with a rack to match should get in there quickly—while D is still sharing his handiwork for free.

Photo via indraw/Flickr

Beejoli Shah

Beejoli Shah

Beejoli Shah is a reporter and editor whose work focuses on entertainment, internet culture, and social justice. Her work has been published in Rolling Stone, Cosmopolitan, Fusion, New York Magazine, the Guardian, and BuzzFeed, among others.