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The future of the NFL, according to @PFTCommenter.

Two Octobers ago, one of the most dimwitted and low-level comment sections on the Internet spawned the most chauvinistic, hilarious parody account on Twitter. @PFTCommenter was designed to represent the birdbrained voice of those who troll the comment sections on football newswire site Pro Football Talk, whose own Twitter account holds more than 768,000 followers.

Since, @PFTCommenter has become one of the most trusted sources for boneheaded analysis and poorly syntaxed #HOTTAKES on the proverbial gridiron, evolving his virtual airhorn from a Twitter-stood soapbox, where he claims more than 14,400 followers, into contributing gigs at sports sites like SB Nation. (The editor’s note: “We’re required to remind you that PFT Commenter’s strong takes are presented as PARODY, penis jokes too. All spelling errors are intentional, we think.”)

The anonymous football fanatic has also penned and assembled an ebook, Goodell vs. Obama: the Battle for the Future of the NFL, which sees its release through the Amazon Kindle store today. In the book, which sells for $4.99, the super-patriot expounds on his worst fears for the things he loves so much: the NFL, its storied shield, and the league’s almighty and all-knowing commissioner, Roger Goodell. 

“I think the whole world was finally waiting to hear from a White Males perspective about sports,” @PFTCommenter wrote via email. (True to form, we’re leaving his spelling errors intact.) “There’s no White History Month or White Entertainment Television and todays White NFL players are being marginalized and put at positions like blocking tight end, head coach, and general manager instead of RB and WR. Thats a problem to me. I give a voice to those who cant speak for themselves.”

Whether that’s a good thing or a bad one is still up for your debate.

In the meantime, dude’s got this book you should be reading. We spoke with the red hot purveyor of football’s scorching hot takes on the eve of GvO’s imminent release. 

Goddell vs. Obama opens with the terminal genital combustion of a very public figure. Don’t you think that will turn a few readers off?

I think it’ll actualy turn alot of readers on. Jerry Jones slowly bleeding to death out of his dick is a perfect repersentation of what hes done with the past 20 years of owning the Cowboys. I think most REAL fans of the NFL will understand that this is actually probably how Jones will die eventualy, so they will likely be drawn in by the realism.

Why is now your time to write a book?

I had a story to tell. I want to warn people about the dangers facing todays NFL. Its not concussions, which are just a fancy way of saying your brains nicked, its the very real possibility that Barack Obama will take over the Dallas Cowboys and move them to Kenya and turn them in to a soccer team or whatever the hell it was that I wrote.

You call it a book, but it’s more like a screenplay. Thoughts?

The only “screenplay” I care about is Andy Reids gameplan for 2nd and 20 folks. 

Ive had some luck with this format when I wrote “Playmakers 2” and “Hard Knocks: The League Office”, so I wanted to play to my strengths. You dont see Ben Rothlessberger running around like wildman read-option QB, why would I write in a showoff me-first person narrative style? 

Is this story fiction or fact, or is it historical fiction, or what?

Its a ficton but it very well could of been happening right now. Honestly with the state this league is in, we’re not far a way from a world where Jerry Jones’ dick explodes and Obama challenges Roger Goodell to a fist fight for the future of the NFL. “If your not mad, your not paying attenton.”- Thomas Jefferson

The illustrations, I should stress, are fantastic. Who’s responsible?

I asked Dave Rappoccio to draw some things up in the dirt for me. He does alot of pictures for Kissing Suzy Kolber and also for his own website, “The Draw Play.” You might of seen his “NFL Logos as Hipsters” or “What if all NFL logos were fat?” drawings. Still waiting on him to captialize on my idea for “What if all NFL logos were Hitler?” idea but he’ll get around to it Im sure. Hes very talented and you should all check out his work. Blue collar lunchpail fella.

You take a lot of jabs at the NFL media. Who’s your favorite to jab, and why?

Darren Rovell from ESPN. One time a reader of mine made a joke about how Rovell would of talked about Hitler’s branding and corporate logos if he were around to report on World War 2. Rovell got so mad at this that he looked up my readerses college information and sent a email to the head of the University of Michigan political science department trying to get him in trouble. Fortunately the response from UM was “We dont know who Darren Rovell is. Is he famous? Does he think were going to take away your degree or somthing? Does his face always look like that? SMH.”

Thanks to alot of really good people, we got “CancellRovell” hashtag trending nationaly, and we outed Rovell as a snitch. He didnt care that I led a campane to get him fired, but when I sent him a tweet like a month later asking him to “pls Retweet” like a madeup fact about the semen content of his shampoo he blocked me on account’ve that violates one of his “100 rules of twitter ettiquette” that he literally took the time to sit down and write one day- so thats the level of person were dealing with here.

He will honestly write 400 word’s about a new flavor Mountain Dew at Taco Bell and publish it as news but will look down his nose at you if he sees you drinking it. I sincerley hope he gets paid on the side from these companys that he promotes because if he dosen’t he is the worst business person of all time in the histroy of the world no offense.

I was surprised to see Mike Ditka perish, as I thought he could not die.

Yea people forget that Mike Ditka is old and might honestly be dead allready, but with balls that are still very much alive keeping him in a kind’ve carnitative state where hes still able to spit barrelfire NFL takes and call Jonathan Martin a pussy for getting bullied.

One of my favorite fast facts about Mike Ditka is that he allmost ran for Illinois State Senate back in 2002 verse Barack Obama, and maybe are country wouldnt of had all these problems like quitting wars if Iron Mike had won. We wouldnt have Obamacare, we’d have Ditkare, where America just learns to deal with there medical issues through scrappyness and rubbing dirt all over there injurys. Only Doctor you need for Ditkare is a perscription for Dr. Jack Daniels and a wet Italian beef sub. If that cant fix what ails you, then you probly dont deserve to be living in Mike Ditkas America any ways.

Do you think Tim Tebow’s hoping this gets turned into a movie so that he can actually get some work?

I think its sooooooooooooooooooooooooo—> (goes on forever infinity) funny that Michael Sam gets hailed as a hero for being Gay but meanwhile Tim Tebow cant donate to a group who wants to kill aborton doctors without getting cut by a NFL team. Doublestandard much?

Your writing somehow manages to get more sloppy and grammatically incorrect as the story goes on. Would you like to comment on that?

Im on record that I dont care about spelling, I care about TELLING. Theres a diffrence. If someones not going to hear your realy good idea about how there needs to be a reverse Rooney Rule to encourage more White cornerbacks just because you dont know the difference between “their” and “there,” well Im sorry but theres the door no one will miss you.

This world is run by people who dont have time to spell. Get use to it.

Photo by Dave Rappoccio via PFTCommenter

Chase Hoffberger

Chase Hoffberger

Chase Hoffberger reported on YouTube, web culture, and crime for the Daily Dot until 2013, when he joined the Austin Chronicle full-time. He’s now that paper’s news editor and reports on criminal justice and politics.