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The most-scrutinized couples of the moment speak out.
Editor’s note: The following joint letter from two celebrity couples going through high-profile separations is not real.
Dear tabloids, including but not limited to TMZ, the Daily Mail, Us Weekly, and People.
After much thought and consideration, sadness and careful discussion, amicability and respect for the future of your children, we’ve decided to issue a joint statement regarding your coverage of our separations—which has made us round-the-clock trending items.
Our decision to come together and address this delicate issue jointly as a foursome (Jen, Ben, Kourt, and Scott) was made over a bottle of really expensive champagne that only celebrities can afford. Really, it was a decision made with the purest form of simplicity known to humankind, to match your own approach to commentating on the most difficult time a family probably ever endures.
Note our lack of hostility. Our priority, as always, is the children—those who digest your creative writing. As such, we have the deepest respect for the sprightly layout of your publications; the way they draw the eye and the finger to the most commercially captivating news. That is by no means an easy feat; lesser publications can do no more than inform their reader of important famines in countries we’ve never heard of.
With that in mind, we’re giving our busy publicists a break to issue our own sincere thanks for hanging our panties, deeply complicated issues, emotional grievances, tear-stained toilet paper, and our young children’s privacy on your front-facing balconies.
We’d like to further issue our sincere thanks for covering our separation and marriage dissolution with such gravitas and detail. Without all of this, we’d of course be unable to send our children to expensive schools and keep their iPad generations updated. Thanks, truly, but there’s really no need to empathize so sincerely. We appreciate your writing in a time of perceived peril, but we’re incredibly rich, and therefore are immune to the entire spectrum of human emotions.
Anyhow. Though we loathe to make any requests in this difficult time, perhaps somebody in your offices can babysit our children while we visit the lawyers to figure out our settlements? Viscount Rothermere? Harvey? An Us Weekly intern?
It shouldn’t take too long, as we expect property divide and such will be straightforward. As celebrities, these life things generally aren’t hard at all because nothing is demanded or expected of us every single second of our microscoped lives. As such, we’ll relieve you of babysitting duties no later than close of business.
Do you have toys?
Anyway, that’s all. Nothing further from us—we’ll be respecting your privacy in this time, and hope we can remain friends.
Suck a bag of dicks,
Bennifer and Scottney
Photo via People/Twitter