According to Twitter, today is #InternationalMensDay. As a budding young meninist, I planned on celebrating by cat-calling a couple women on the street and anonymously threatening prominent feminist bloggers.
But then I had a change of heart: What if, instead of harassing women, I educated the world on man’s most significant accomplishments? They certainly don’t teach that in history class.
I understand the controversial nature of this post, so before all those misandrists get their panties in a bunch, I’ll concede that women have done some decent things in history, like wear makeup, drink pumpkin spice lattes, and burden society with their periods.
But enough with that. Let’s discuss the real achievements throughout history—the ones that only men could manage.
1) Red Bull
Invented by Austrian businessman Dietrich Mateschitz in 1987, Red Bull has become the most popular beverage in the world. In the most technologically forward-thinking places, like Japan, Luxembourg, and northern Florida, you can find Red Bull spurting from any tap in lieu of water. After all, it GIVES YOU MOTHERFUCKING WINGS.
2) 9/11 and, subsequently, the Iraq War
Some people argue Bush did 9/11, others say it was orchestrated by a little-known man called Osama bin Laden. Regardless, it was a male who did 9/11, and that is what matters. Shout out to Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld for Operation Iraqi Freedom. The world is a stable and free place now.
3) The cinematic masterpiece Freddy Got Fingered
Freddy Got Fingered, while widely regarded as the best movie of all time, of course got snubbed at the 73rd Academy Awards because matriarchy. Don’t believe me? In 2001, a woman took home an Oscar for Best Documentary Short and Best Costume Design… and don’t even get me started on that whole Best Actress nonsense.
4) Every genocide ever
Good job, dudes!
5) The U.S. Constitution
The Constitution of the United States was written by a bunch of men, and that’s why America is perfect. No need to revise anything, ever.
Tinder CEO and co-creator Sean Rad was recently savaged by feminazis on the Internet for mixing up the words “sodomy” and “sapiosexual.” Everyone makes mistakes—even people with dicks—so ladies, calm your tits. He’s still a hero and responsible for getting me laid like 800 times!
7) The lightbulb
Without men, we wouldn’t be able to see at night. Think about that for a second.
8) NBC’s Quantum Leap
There once was a small white man with big dreams named Donald Paul Bellisario. One day he walked up to NBC and said, “I have idea for show called Quantum Leap where Scott Bakula travels through space-time correcting historical mistakes.” NBC said, “No, a man can’t make TV.” But Donnie kept on fighting—and that’s how the most important TV show of all time came to be a reality.
9) Diet Coke
See? Men do generous things for women all the time. Do they ever get a thank you? Nope.
10) The Internet and, therefore, the Fat Jew
First, I want to point out that Al Gore came up with that whole idea of the Internet while he was wanking it. He came on his keyboard, his computer came to life, the Internet was born, and now you’re reading this listicle.
The best thing to come out of the Internet is that it gives male comedians more platforms to express their beliefs. Where would we be, as a society, without Patton Oswalt’s valiant tweets against political correctness?
But, obviously, the best comedy on the Web comes from a big man with big ideas, Josh “The Fat Jew” Ostrovsky. Looks like there’s no female equivalent of him, sorry ladies!
11) The term “daddy issues,” also my low self-esteem
12) Gawker Media
13) Two movies about Steve Jobs
Cast your vote today:
Be honest with this poll, kind followers. We must discover the truth.— eve peyser (@evepeyser) November 19, 2015
14) Some orgasms I’ve had
These guys were the bravest of all. It’s scary down there, and you went for it anyway. Give yourselves a pat on the back! You worked hard!
If this list isn’t enough for you feminists to realize how great man is, you’re all a bunch of sexist bitches and you don’t deserve my time and energy.
Photo via David Shankbone/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)