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Nintendo has revealed Luigi’s penis—and fans are going nuts
The answer to a question you never asked.
First, it was Mario’s nipples, now it’s Luigi’s penis. As Nintendo’s 3D graphics get more detailed in the newest generation of Mario games, the two famous brothers are being rendered as human men with all the human parts, not the chubby Italian Ken Dolls of yore. Of course, people have always wondered what’s going on “down there,” and now they know, thanks to a very revealing screenshot of Luigi’s tight shorts in the upcoming Mario Tennis Aces.
The difference between Tumblr and Twitter is that Twitter users are all upset about Luigi's dick bulge because they're so fucking basic and Tumblr users are doing Algebra to figure out that it's roughly 3.7" flacid and they're so happy for him to have a dick. pic.twitter.com/BlQynFRaZd— Christopher Butcher (@Comics212) March 15, 2018
As with the Mario nipple reveal in Super Mario Odyssey, fans seem to be divided on Luigi’s bulge. There are those who think it’s unnecessary and wish they’d never been made to contemplate the lanky cartoon mustache man as a sexual being, and there are those who are absolutely thrilled that Luigi’s slightly-above-average D has become part of the Mario canon.
The first group, as a popular tweet by Christopher Butcher pointed out, is mostly on Twitter:
The fact people are tying to figure out Luigi's dick size because of Mario Tennis Aces artwork proves how disgusting most of you are and that human race is a mistake— Toad (@thatunotoad) March 15, 2018
well it’s not exactly a meme but it’s all over Instagram... okay like we get it Luigi has dick get over it. but just... stop.— Sleepy (@sleepykitter) March 15, 2018
you know what no I've seen too many pictures of luigi's mediocre dick for one day— Gaybo Dumbass (@dragonkisser420) March 14, 2018
I JUST SAW LUIGI'S *SUPPOSED* DICK PRINT AND IM OFFICIALLY DELETING GOODNIGHT— life is but a fever dream (@recklesssalexis) March 13, 2018
This sounds more serious than I want it to be. The thing is some of y'all weirdos think too much and have dirty minds. Y'all really think Nintendo took the time to make sure Luigi's dick was present in a kids game about tennis? Come on.— Stupid Pussy Baby Bitch (@buttoflogan) March 12, 2018
Meanwhile, on Tumblr, fans are calculating the approximate size of Luigi’s equipment. They can’t get enough!https://twitter.com/damnmanitscam/status/974202865454600192
The thrust (heh) of the backlash is generally that dick physics isn’t a necessary component of a sports game for kids, especially coming from Nintendo of America, a company that has historically been “family-friendly” to a fault, removing references to sex, drugs, and alcohol from the U.S. versions of games. Many people don’t want to think of the safe and friendly characters they grew up with as sexy, dick-having adult men—totally understandable!
But on the internet, and especially in fandom spaces, the rule is that if a character exists, there’s porn of them. Mario and Luigi are absolutely not exceptions.
In a way, Luigi’s penis has been there all along, in the hearts and minds of a certain kind of fan. These folks will be very happy that Nintendo has made Super Mario Genitals part of the in-game canon, and kids probably won’t even notice.
Congratulations to Luigi for becoming “anatomically correct,” or whatever, and congrats to everyone who’s ever been horny for him.
Correction 8:34am, March 16: An earlier version of this article misstated in which game Mario’s nipples made their debut. That title was Super Mario Odyssey, not Galaxy.
Jay Hathaway is a former senior writer who specialized in internet memes and weird online culture. He previously served as the Daily Dot’s news editor, was a staff writer at Gawker, and edited the classic websites Urlesque and Download Squad. His work has also appeared on nymag.com, suicidegirls.com, and the Morning News.