Every great civilization arrives at its tipping point. Perhaps it begins to decay under the weight of an insupportable caste system. Or perhaps it finds itself forced to reckon with imperialist invaders. In some cases, an intellectual revolution rewrites the rules that undergird society.
In our case, it’s fucking hoverboards.
Can there be any doubt that these hands-free gyroscopic scooters signal the end of the great neoliberal experiment? We’re talking about devices that routinely catch fire, tempt priests to sin, injure boxing champions, and cause movie-star freakouts on airplanes. There are only two ways the future can unfold: Either we survive, or the hoverboards do.
It’s week three of our #HoverboardCrime roundups, and the news that the U.S. has banned hoverboard imports—coupled with Amazon’s crackdown on the devices—might have you assuming that #HoverboardCrime is on the decline. But you couldn’t be more wrong.
- Allentown, Pennsylvania — March 15: A 15-year-old boy was innocently hoverboarding along when “he noticed an older white box-style SUV following him,” according to a local news report. A man then got out of this large, expensive, four-wheeled vehicle and demanded the boy’s piece of shit hoverboard, which he surrendered. This probably proves some devastating point about capitalism.
- Fort Meyers, Florida — March 16: Florida Gulf Coast University is considering a campus-wide ban on hoverboards, following the example set by University of Florida, Florida International University, Florida State University, and others. (Let that sink in: Hoverboards are so horrible that even Florida’s public schools want nothing to do with them.) FGCU’s existing policy meant a $30 fine for anyone who used a hoverboard indoors, but with the revised rule, “[student violators] will now have to face the Student Conduct Review Process, and employees will be subjected to disciplinary actions.” And we all know that it’s merely a hop, skip, and a glide from justifying hoverboard use before a council of your peers to a 12 Angry Men-style jury deliberation over hoverboard-enabled homicide.
- Big Coppitt Key, Flordia — Ongoing: Police have repeatedly arrested Adrian Diaz, 18, for a litany of petty crimes this year—but one incident stands out. After a woman “reported two hoverboards, seven spear guns, and a charger for a go-cart stolen from house,” officers recalled seeing those hoverboards at Diaz’s residence while arresting him for something else. When they returned, they found the other missing items as well. This isn’t just an immensely satisfying end to a classic hoverboard whodunit, however. Diaz has more than once been charged with running a chop shop from his house, which, given the equipment in his possession, meant he was working on some kind of turbo-charged hoverboard bristling with spear guns(?!). Gang warfare is about to get insane.
- Qatar — March 22: Convicted felon Martha Stewart was observed drunkenly hoverboarding while on a trip to the Middle East. We’ve yet to confirm how many innocent pedestrians she steamrolled.
Aziz let me use his hover board before dinner but after champagne Really easy but be careful of antiques! pic.twitter.com/zlWcigv6cH
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) March 23, 2016
Photo via Soar Boards/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)