You can hire this Craigslist felon to be your fake boyfriend

"I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree... "

Mar 1, 2020, 4:29 pm*

Internet Culture

Greg Seals 

Greg Seals

Having trouble deciding what dish to bring to Thanksgiving this year? Looking for a way to antagonize your family and friends after they failed to support your Kickstarter campaign? Instead of bringing the old standby instigator of alcohol, mix it up by bringing a date you found on Craigslist.

But make no mistake, this isn’t your run of the mill significant other stand-in you bring home for the holidays to avoid questions about marriage and kids. This gentleman comes with a pedigree that makes him sound like a prince charming that hopped right off the Disney screen and found a seat at your Thanksgiving table.

Craigslist

This handsome suitor posted his ad under the casual encounters section of the Nashville Craigslist on Thursday under the title, “Alone on Thanksgiving?”

It’s Thanksgiving. Want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how youre still single? About how your parents really want more grand children? Well, look no further!

I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar. I can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if i shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your stictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I’m game. 

I can do these things, at your request: 
openly hit on other female guests while you act like you dont notice.

start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion. 

propose to you in front of everyone.

pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on (sorry, i dont drink, but i used to. alot. too much in fact. i know the drill). 

Start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see. 

I require no pay but the free meal i will receive as a guest!

Ladies, take this man up on his offer and you might  get more than you bargained for. Can you imagine telling your children years from now how you hired their father as a Thanksgiving farce but ended up falling madly in love and conceiving him in the back of that bitching Van Halen van after a piece of pumpkin pie? Sounds like something out of a fairytale. 

H/T Uproxx | Photo via tuchodi/Flickr (CC BY 2.0)

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*First Published: Nov 21, 2014, 9:01 pm