@OnMarsFirst claims to be the first woman to land on the red planet

Meet @OnMarsFirst. Our neighbor planet must have great Wi-Fi.

 

Miles Klee

Internet Culture

Published Aug 7, 2014   Updated May 30, 2021, 7:42 pm CDT

On Aug. 2, 2014, history was forever changed. 

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Well, history changes every day, but on this particular date, a woman known as Evghenia became the first human to touch down on Mars.

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i look out window of rocket. i feel very lonesome for one second but then i think i am evgheny first person on mars and i smile

— Evghenia is on Mars (@OnMarsFirst) August 3, 2014

How did Evghenia (who also goes by “Evgheny” at times) make it to the Martian surface alone, without support from NASA or a well-financed space travel startup? Well, that’s quite simple:

i build rocket in my back garden for 10 year

— Evghenia is on Mars (@OnMarsFirst) August 3, 2014

i build rocket from spare car part and old nuclear facility

— Evghenia is on Mars (@OnMarsFirst) August 3, 2014

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in month of march i buy 10,000 of my favourite protein bar

— Evghenia is on Mars (@OnMarsFirst) August 3, 2014

in month of april i launch rocket with me in it towards planet mars

— Evghenia is on Mars (@OnMarsFirst) August 3, 2014

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now i am on mars

— Evghenia is on Mars (@OnMarsFirst) August 3, 2014

i am too scared to leave rocket. it look very windy and cold outside

— Evghenia is on Mars (@OnMarsFirst) August 3, 2014

i have 9,789 protein bar left. i just ate half protein bar for dinner.

— Evghenia is on Mars (@OnMarsFirst) August 3, 2014

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Since landing on the red planet, Evghenia has urinated out of her rocket ship’s door, “completed 345 lower abdomen movements,” had bad dreams, quoted Elton John, and laid out a game plan:

i, evghenia, long term goals on mars: 1) to leaving rocket ship 2) build space hut 3) to finding alien friend 4) collect nice rock

— Evghenia is on Mars (@OnMarsFirst) August 5, 2014

Evghenia has yet to acknowledge the Daily Dot’s query as to evidence of ancient Martian civilization, but we feel confident she’ll keep us updated. And no matter how lonely, strange, or terrifying it feels out there by herself, she’ll always have her bragging rights: 

i, evghenia, make discovery today: there is not better feeling than being first on mars

— Evghenia is on Mars (@OnMarsFirst) August 7, 2014

Thank you, Evghenia, for daring to dream—and inspiring those of us still stuck on Earth.

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Photo by Bluedharma/Flickr (CC BY-ND 2.0)

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*First Published: Aug 7, 2014, 11:53 am CDT