@OnMarsFirst claims to be the first woman to land on the red planet

Earth and Mars

Meet @OnMarsFirst. Our neighbor planet must have great Wi-Fi.

On Aug. 2, 2014, history was forever changed. 

Well, history changes every day, but on this particular date, a woman known as Evghenia became the first human to touch down on Mars.

How did Evghenia (who also goes by “Evgheny” at times) make it to the Martian surface alone, without support from NASA or a well-financed space travel startup? Well, that’s quite simple:

Since landing on the red planet, Evghenia has urinated out of her rocket ship’s door, “completed 345 lower abdomen movements,” had bad dreams, quoted Elton John, and laid out a game plan:

Evghenia has yet to acknowledge the Daily Dot’s query as to evidence of ancient Martian civilization, but we feel confident she’ll keep us updated. And no matter how lonely, strange, or terrifying it feels out there by herself, she’ll always have her bragging rights: 

Thank you, Evghenia, for daring to dream—and inspiring those of us still stuck on Earth.

Photo by Bluedharma/Flickr (CC BY-ND 2.0)

Miles Klee

Miles Klee

Miles Klee is a novelist and web culture reporter. The former editor of the Daily Dot’s Unclick section, Klee’s essays, satire, and fiction have appeared in Lapham’s Quarterly, Vanity Fair, 3:AM, Salon, the Awl, the New York Observer, the Millions,  and the Village Voice. He's the author of two odd books of fiction, 'Ivyland' and 'True False.'