It’s now painfully obvious: Donald Trump is a shoo-in to win the Republican nomination for President of the United States. He’s leading in the polls. He directly insulted senator John McCain‘s (R-Ariz.) war record and lived to tell the tale. He even called Mexicans who come to the U.S. rapists and somehow got more supporters. The man is a political powerhouse.
So now that he’s pretty much gotten the nomination, all that’s left to do is for him to pick a running mate. But who could complete the Trump ticket? We’ve narrowed it down to nine choices. Really, though, they’re pretty much interchangeable: there’s nobody out there who can make him any more likable.
1) A garbage bag of hundred dollar bills
Photos via Alan Stanton/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0) | Pictures of Money/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0) | Andrew Magill/Flickr (CC BY 2.0) | Remix by Jason Reed
The name Trump is synonymous with money. How much money does he have? Nobody knows. So how can we be sure he’s not running a fake campaign just to get some easy Super PAC bucks?
He’s got a garbage bag of hundred dollar bills, that’s how. Also, why are you asking so many questions? Do you have a garbage bag full of hundreds? Then shut your loser face.
2) Hulk Hogan
Meaty. Real. Orange. Three words that could be used to describe either man, so let’s add one more to distinguish this prospect: Hulkamania. This is the big sleeper choice, as there have been whispers around Washington that the Hulkster might have a crippling case of “Trump-A-Mania.”
3) Abrahamoney Washingtonrealestate
We have only this one photo to go on, and we’ve never seen these two in the same room together, but our sources indicate that Trump is willing to share the spotlight with this one person and this one person only.
4) Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade Balloon of Spider-Man
What better way to shove it in Macy’s stupid, racist, hating faces than to steal one of their own balloons, ride it into the White House and abuse executive powers to expose Macy’s poor financial situation and shut down their dumb loser store run by PC zombies? Plus, Spider-Man is from Queens and fights crime, just like Trump.
5) Danny Trejo’s Machete
OfficialMacheteMovie’s channel/YouTube
Did Donald Trump suggest that Mexican immigrants are mostly rapists? Sure. But that was in the middle of a written speech that he surely practiced and rehearsed several times, so you can see how that could happen to anybody. Anyway, by way of apologizing for this, Trump could tap Machete to be his running mate. Machete is a Mexican immigrant who has worked for presidents in the past. Also, Machete is a fictional character, like Trump.
6) Super Cool Waterslide
Trump understands luxury resorts, from Vegas casinos made to look like a gold bar to an ecologically nightmarish golf course, but these are playgrounds for the rich. In order to reach the middle and lower classes, it might benefit him to partner with a super cool waterslide and let everyone in America ride it once for free.
7) A Very Tall Building
Tall buildings are his favorite! You can almost hear him saying “What’s the matter? Is a tiny baby ascared of big buildings? LOOK HOW BIG I MAKE A BUILDING!” The guy loves buildings! What better way to remind people that he builds buildings than to build a building and name it Vice President. Vote Vice President Tall Building in 2016!
8) Great Pacific Garbage Patch
The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is the early front runner. Trump is a noted anti-environmentalist who loves building things! This garbage island has it all: it’s anti-environment, a possible new landmass to build tall buildings on, is completely uninhabited by rapists, and it’s 100% pure garbage.
9) The Truth
My twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 17, 2012
Trump’s greatest ally is that he’s never been afraid to tell the truth, especially the better, more expensive truth that doesn’t bother itself with dumb facts. Is global warming real? No, idiot. It’s a myth created by the Chinese to destroy America. Are reasonable people protesting Trump’s campaign? No, you loser, Mexico is sending secret agents, disguised as protesters, to derail it. Nobody understands truth like Trump, and it’s time we all recognize it.
Photos via Alan Stanton/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0) | Pictures of Money/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0) | Andrew Magill/Flickr (CC BY 2.0) | Remix by Jason Reed